Impulses
by Kiyoko Usagi
Summary: The Winter Soldier had expected they'd meet again. He just didn't expect the blonde's voice to send shivers down his spine, or when their eyes locked it felt like someone inside the Soldier was screaming, begging to come forth, begging to be reunited with an old flame. He's not sure how much longer he has to suppress these impulses before Rogers figures it out himself.
1. Chapter 1

I'm late to this party. I also haven't read a single fanfiction on them so I've no idea if this idea is overdone or not (probably is), but I couldn't shake it out of my mind so here it goes?

* * *

He'd saved him… That blonde, goody-goody with the righteous jaw line and star spangled costume… He was his mission. Point, shoot, done. Granted this mission went entirely awry. The Winter Soldier hadn't taken into account accomplices that could fly or that conniving red head. He also didn't take into account that "Captain America" would know him… or at least claim to know him. Any thoughts of it being some weird scheme to gain the upper hand were obliterated by his refusal to fight the Soldier on the aircraft. The second the Captain had first uttered _his_ name everything the Soldier knew had shattered; exploding into thousands of pieces of a false realties that had become all The Asset knew. The memories that he thought were there, but wasn't entirely sure if they really _were_ there had become ravenous hounds, hungry to be fed, to be given a chance to live again. Then it had all been taken away once more… But the Soldier knew that now… The longer he was out of cryo, the more he started to remember, closer to present first and then further and further away.

Gritting his teeth, he walked into the museum exhibit. Why? He'd been here before. He'd seen it all already. Each time it was the same thing. He'd look at a life not his. Be taunted with a face that looked like his. But a life he had never experienced…at least not yet. He'd seen this exhibit too many times to deny that he was once in fact Bucky Barnes.

Hydra was clever with their handling of him. They made sure to memory wipe when necessary but always made sure he knew he had his memory wiped. It was like a taunt. He knew they'd catch up to him eventually. The tracking devices and fail-safes were still implemented deep within his mechanical arm. Instinctively, he looked down at his left appendage, before pulling his arms into a tight cross over his chest. He walked further into the exhibit, now hearing the audio telling the story of Captain America's life.

Steve Rogers. The Soldier's throat clenched and his stomach flipped. He felt the undeniable sensation to run.

He walked along the railing, looking at the trinkets and memorabilia of America's Greatest Captain. He stopped in front of one blown up image. It was his own face. Each time this part of the exhibit froze his heart. On it a short blurb about his life, his date of birth and date of death. The words and dates rang hollow on a man who couldn't remember any of it. He couldn't remember when he was young; he couldn't even remember when he was grown. He looked up, listening to the narrator, talking about the Howling Commandos. "Barnes was the only Howling Commando to give his life…"

He didn't want to listen anymore. He'd heard it all before. Over and over. Morning and afternoon. He watched in a strange sense of shock, anger and terror as little clips showed him and Rogers standing next to each other. He watched the smiles of men who didn't _seem_ to know true suffering or fear, but did…they had taken on Hydra; The Red Skull. They had won! That guy and Captain America. This man, standing before the exhibit with a metal arm and disheveled brown hair was not Bucky Barnes. He was someone else who stole a dead man's face. It was what he came to feel each and every time he walked this now all-too-familiar exhibit.

"Twelve times…" a man with dark chocolate skin said next to the Soldier. He wore a security hat and a silver pin atop his beast pocket that signified him as one of the security members. "I've seen you come in here twelve times."

Of course, the brunette didn't respond. He grunted, shrugging and attempted to walk away.

"Oh, not for the talking I see? Maybe shooting at guys is more your style?"

This time, the Soldier turned to really look at the man. He was familiar… His eyes widened in realization. He was that stupid flying guy! Instinctively, the brunette went for a knife in his pocket.

"That won't be necessary," the other man said, holding up his hands as if surrendering. "You're out numbered anyway."

"I've taken on twenty men just fine before…" the Soldier growled, he looked around, children and families were in the room, just now taking notice of what was happening. Their looks of shock and terror plagued the Soldier in a way he didn't know existed.

"Not here man…" the faux security guard said, walking forward, forcing the Soldier to start walking backward. He hit someone's chest. It was broad and toned. His body reacted in a way that caused a gasp to escape his mouth. A warming sensation, gentle at first but grew in intensity surged where his back had touched that strong chest. His fingers tingled and he felt the worst sensation of just wanting to…lean back. He forced himself away, ignoring how his body went cold as he whirled to see a blonde with an all-too-familiar face.

"I didn't want it to be like this," Captain America said. "I honestly thought you'd run further…"

The brunette felt his heart begin to slam into his rib cage. Each time it beat harder, faster; like it was trying to jump out of his chest and thrust itself into the hands of the blonde man. He felt his shoulders tense and his fingers start to tingle. It was like an itch he couldn't scratch. Like a drug addict with a fix he just couldn't get… He felt sick.

"Guess he ain't so smart," Roger's accomplice said crossing his arms over his chest, a smug look atop his features.

The brunette glared at the man, cursing in Russian under his breath as he tried to calm his unstable body.

"Yeah. Right. Whatever you say," the African American shot back.

"Look," Rogers said. "I won't force you to come with me. But…you have been here twelve times." There was a glint of hope in the captain's eyes. One the Soldier found to be rather…inspiring. His heart kept pounding. The Soldier could swear it was now climbing up his throat. "You ran from Hydra. You saved me. I want to help you, Bucky."

The Soldier felt his whole body shake and growled, only to keep from perhaps uttering something less dignified. What was this? It was like there was another being inside him doing its damned to rip apart from his mortal form and launch itself away. Each move, each breath and syllable Rogers uttered sent the Soldier's body into a desperate turmoil. It was terrifying, but he didn't want to run away from it. He needed to understand it. It was the only thing he had left…even if he didn't deserve it.

"That's not my name," he hissed, backing away from both of them. His eyes darted to the now empty room. Instead of anyone calling for help, people just avoid a situation entirely. Typical, disgusting human nature. Never wanting to get their hands dirty…yet they'd bleat and whine when they weren't safe. Hydra stood to defend them… To create peace and unity and free them from an existence of fear and disgusting behavioral patterns such as this.

"Okay, then what do you want to be called?" Rogers asked, taking a step forward, resulting in the Soldier taking two steps back. He couldn't chance Rogers getting closer. If he lost control completely…he was frightened with what would happen. "We're not kidnapping you. You don't have to keep up this dance you know."

"I don't know how to dance…" he offered softly. Talking to him, actually responding sent a shiver down the Soldier's spine, one that felt like a shot of narcotics right into the bloodstream. He wanted more, but feared the side effects.

"You used to be really good at it."

The brunette felt his cheeks heat up, his eyes started to sting and his throat clenched up. He couldn't take much more of this. He needed to either run or for this to not be so public. "I tried to kill you." Another group of students and families came into this section of the exhibit.

Rogers seemed to notice the crowd as well as he glanced around the room. "We can go somewhere else and talk this out? Grab coffee?"

The Soldier laughed, it was guttural and full of apprehension. But the way his body felt exposed the fat lie he was trying to feed himself. He wanted to go. Every inch of his body felt compelled to step forward, to just give in and stop fighting whatever magnetism that Rogers had over him. It'd be easier. "Eat pastries too?" he spat sarcastically.

"If you'd like." Rogers shrugged.

"That was a joke, Rogers," the brunette responded.

"I don't care that you tried to kill me. You weren't you. You still aren't you. But how can I not reasonably think that you don't want to know who you really are? You're here. You keep coming back here!"

The Soldier didn't have anything intelligent to respond with. Everything was true. He did want to know… But he feared knowing. With Hydra, he'd done some pretty gruesome things. He'd killed children, innocents, people who weren't even his targets. He'd set fires to buildings, not caring who was inside. Shot dogs and cats… This him and the him that Rogers knew weren't the same. They probably couldn't even stand to be in the same room together.

"Bucky. Just talk with us. You don't have to stay."

"Fine," he grumbled. Though once more he couldn't fool himself. His body rejoiced in the familiarity of the other's closeness. It sang out with low heated hums that pleasantly numbed his body as he followed those broad shoulders and that flawless jaw line…

* * *

They'd selected a café with outdoor seating. The Soldier didn't like it, but alas, here he was, sitting with Captain America and Wing-Guy; staring down his nose at a "mocha latte…" Not that he minded having an excuse to look distant or uninterested. He didn't want to look at Rogers. He didn't know how much more of these sensations he could take.

"It's kind of sweet. Coffee has way improved since our day," Steve said, seemingly trying to break the silence.

Sam still had his arms crossed over his chest. He had a black coffee resting in front of him; though the Soldier was sure he had no intentions of drinking it. Perhaps he was just going to use it to burn the brunette's face if this went south…

"Bucky…" Steve said in a softer, more serious tone.

The brunette felt the shiver start low in his spine and followed the sensation as it climbed slowly up his spine till it washed over his shoulders like a lover longing for a lost love. Stormy-blue eyes locked with ocean-blues as the Soldier fought every fight or flight sense he had; Hydra programming included.

"You never told me what to call you, so I'm calling you what I've always called you," Steve said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"I don't know what I'm doing…" "Bucky" finally blurted out. "I should be killing you. I should have killed you." He saw Sam straight up out the corner of his eye. "But I'm out…drinking some kind of "Froo-froo" drink with you."

"Well, you're just kind of staring at it. I haven't seen you take a sip yet," Steve countered with a crooked smile.

"Fine. You can call me Bucky." Bucky felt his heart flip. It made the world feel like it was spinning for a moment. The name felt foreign on his own tongue even though he'd read it countless times back at the museum.

"This is the most fucked up conversation I've ever witnessed," Sam interjected. "Ya'll aren't even on the same subjects till three sentences later…"

Bucky responded by rolling up his straw's wrapper and flicking it at Sam. The other gentleman simply raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "Wanna do that again?"

"Both of you. Gosh, it's like watching two-year-olds," Steve said as he quickly responded to Bucky grabbing a knife on the table.

Bucky released the knife, folding his arms over his chest and staring at Steve. High cheekbones, blonde hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin and no hint of stubble. Male perfection. Bucky wanted to hate him, but it was like the thought was a volatile virus that his body responded to by forcing his stomach to go cold and he blinked a few times, trying to settle how light-headed he'd suddenly felt.

"So I'm going to go back to the basics here," Steve said as he fingered the mouth of his latte cup gingerly. "Are we going our separate ways after we leave this café?"

Bucky felt his spine shiver once more, this time it was more desperate, like a child, afraid of the dark. "I haven't decided yet."

"Do you want to know who you were?" Steve shot back.

"I don't know yet."

"Am I still your mission?"

"Haven't figured it out yet." Bucky poked at his drink cup.

Sam snorted. "Jesus. You talk to all your guests like this?"

"Sam…" the captain warned, but there was still a gentle tone to his voice, however stern. "Do you support Hydra?"

"Maybe."

"Care to elaborate?"

"No."

"Why?" Steve asked, sitting back in his chair, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Because I don't want a reason to go back."

"So you don't support Hydra," Steve reasoned.

"I didn't say that," Bucky said, he pushed his latte cup back and forth between his fingers. Gloved hands in nearly eighty degree weather…

"So…you like their goals but not their means?"

"Yeah."

Steve nodded.

"How do you do that?" Bucky finally asked, cocking his head to the side, a few strands of hair falling into his eyes.

"Do what?"

"You know what I'm thinking." The idea was more comforting than it was unnerving.

"We're best friends. That's what we do," Steve responded, a small smile playing at his lips.

"But I can't do that to you."

"You haven't tried…" Steve teased. "Try me."

"I don't know where to begin."

"So, tell me why I want you to come with us."

Bucky knitted his brows together, focusing on Steve's face. He felt his heart run cold and his throat clench. What was he doing? He shouldn't even be here. He should never have seen that stupid museum exhibit. He should have pretended. He should have just gone back… He wouldn't have to face this sort of pain if he'd just gone back. "…You…want to prove to me that I'm not who I think I am. Show me I'm better than this, even though I think you're full of shit…but you still have hope for me."

Steve nodded, his smile widening. "Good job."

"We shouldn't stay out here much longer," Sam said looking around. "I've seen a couple black vans drive by…slowly."

Bucky instantly stood up, causing the other two to do the same. He knocked his coffee over, cursing in Russian, his heart racing. "I have tracking devices installed…"

"Seriously? You didn't think it was a good idea to tell us that earlier?" Sam said, incredulously.

"I have an idea… if you trust me," Steve said, his blue eyes shimmering with an open challenge, baiting Bucky to comply out of sheer curiosity.

"I certainly don't trust you…" Bucky said. "But what's your idea?"

Steve smiled, nodding in acceptance. "Come with us now. We can get those trackers out. I know a guy."

"You know a guy?" Sam asked, his eyes again scanning the roads.

"What do you say, Buck?" Steve asked, his face smug, like he already knew Bucky's answer. It infuriated Bucky…that this guy could be so self-assured to feel as if Bucky had no other choice. He wanted to say no. But the thought had made his fingers and toes go cold.

"Whatever, Captain Smart-Ass."


	2. Chapter 2

I know it was only 3 reviews, but I still wasn't expecting a single review when I posted this. I mainly write fanfiction when I just can't get something out of my head and thus I mostly write for myself, but I enjoy sharing my thoughts and I really enjoy seeing any joy and entertainment I can provide to others, so that was really nice! I hope you continue to like what I have to share. :)

* * *

They had gotten out of there just in time. Bucky got into the backseat of the red-haired woman's car, who he also attempted to kill before… He saw the men getting out of the black vans…they all quickly scurried back into the vans as they noticed the trio's departure.

"Everybody buckle up," she said before throwing the car into gear and speeding out of the intersection. Bucky felt his head slam back into the plush seat at the ferocity of the car's engine.

"We've got three in pursuit," Sam said as he craned his neck to look out the back window.

"I'm aware," the woman said, stepping on the gas pedal once more. She completely ignored a red light and several oncoming cars. Bucky would have done the same though…

"So, Bucky is it?" she said, looking in her rear view mirror at the man. "Nice to finally see you without shoving bullets in my face." She banked the car hard to the left, swerving to avoid a semi truck.

"They're getting closer!" Sam shouted, his eyes widening with panic.

"Re-lax," she said. "I got this. Name's Natasha by the way."

"Apparently mine's Bucky," he retorted.

"Knew that already," she responded as she banked right, turning hard onto a back way street.

Bucky heard a loud crash behind them as several civilians collided head-on. One of the vans got stuck behind the collision. Still had to shake the other two though…

"Hydra knows I'm with you," he said, mainly speaking to Steve. "They're not going to stop till they get me back."

"Well I guess they're going to be disappointed," Steve said, looking at Bucky from the side mirror. "I don't plan on giving you back."

Bucky's heart fluttered and his stomach felt like it flipped. He couldn't help the smile that found its way onto his tired face. Steve Rogers…Captain America…was mesmerizing. A person wouldn't see it at first, as Bucky certainly hadn't. He saw a big oaf in a red, white and blue suit pretending to be better than everyone else. When that came off at the museum exhibit, Bucky saw a man with a compassionate, gentle heart, and overly-forgiving soul. It was almost painful. Embarrassment swelled in his throat as he thought back on the day in DC. How could Rogers just be so…casual about this? The Winter Soldier had tried to kill him and yet…there he was, tailing him into the museum, cornering him and suddenly taking him out for…coffee? What kind of person did that? _'One that cares about you…'_

He bit his tongue as the car lurched, gasping in pain as blood filled his mouth.

"Sorry! Bumpy ride!" Natasha said as she drove over a construction zone.

Bucky grimaced as he swallowed blood. He didn't have a mirror so he couldn't assess how deep he'd bit, but it felt pretty deep. He opened his mouth and blood dribbled out.

"Uh…this dude's bleeding back here," Sam said.

Steve instantly whirled around, his eyes rounding in concern.

"I bit my tongue," Bucky said through a gurgle of blood.

"Shit...that looks bad," Sam said.

"Natasha, do you have anything for this?" Steve asked.

"Glove compartment."

Steve rummaged around for anything that he could use. Bucky swallowed another gulp of blood. It made his stomach churn. Pain didn't bother him as much as the thought of swallowing his own blood and saliva…together. For some reason it just didn't sit right with him. He felt a wave of nausea wash over his stomach.

Steve turned back around with a small plastic cup, typically used for administering cough medicine. "Spit," he directed. Bucky spit into it. "Put this into your mouth." Bucky took the gauze and filled his mouth with it. He winced as the texture began getting moist and warm. "Can you go any faster than this, Natasha?" Steve said, craning his neck toward the driver as he took the blood filled cup from Bucky.

"What do you take me for? An old lady? Of course I can…we just don't have any open road!" She turned a hard left. "Someone needs to start shooting these guys."

"They haven't been shooting at us though," Sam said. His brown gaze locked on Bucky. "They want you alive."

Bucky nodded.

"Someone please start shooting!" Natasha exclaimed as she turned a hard right, swerving a bit.

Bucky grabbed the gun at Sam's thigh. He'd been in the museum, so it was a miracle he'd been able to take his blade in, but guns would have been instantly detected. He rolled down his window, ignoring the protesting Sam and started shooting. The gun felt calm in his hand. He felt calm. This was what he was good at. This was what he had been created to do… No confusing impulses that washed over him against his will, no familiar blonde men… Just him and a gun.

His head throbbed violently, like a resounding protest. He shook off the pain, trying to aim for the tires of the vans behind them. _Tsssssss_

He lost focus for a moment as the gauze in his mouth became utterly soaked with blood and saliva. He was honestly shocked at how revolted he was at this. He furrowed his brow, hardening himself and forcing the thought of gauze in his mouth just…congealing there away from his mind.

Sam came out the other window with a gun in hand. His aim wasn't as good, not at this speed and these spontaneous turns. Bucky could still see he was a good shot though.

_Tssssssss_

Another tire blown. The van swerved violently before crashing into the side of a building. Bucky and Sam pulled their torsos back into the car, both breathing heavily. Bucky started to cough, choking a bit on his own blood.

"We're almost there," Natasha said.

Steve turned around with fresh gauze and opened his hand to Bucky to spit the old out. Bucky hesitated. How was this man even real? Dedicated, loyal, trusting, compassionate, fierce, strong, capable… How did a man like Steve Rogers exist? Better yet, what did a man like Steve Rogers see in a man like The Winter Soldier?

Bucky spit the gauze out and was thankful for the fresh gauze that warmed in his mouth. He couldn't taste as much blood anymore. His platelets were finally clotting.

"Where we going?" Sam asked.

"Steve knows a guy, remember?" Natasha responded sarcastically, a lioness' smile on her face.

Bucky wasn't expecting a secret garage that suddenly enveloped the entire car. He wasn't expecting to feel like he was in a 2 ton casket with three other bodies. His fight or flight instincts and programming whirled to life, making him clench his fists tightly as he fought hard to control his breathing and the desire to punch everyone in the car to escape. They descended lower into the dark cavern. "Where are we?" he growled through clenched teeth.

"Stark Industries. We're going from here in a private jet. Stark knows you're with us," Natasha responded as she turned the car off and unbuckled. They were still moving. Didn't she have to park? Suddenly, two arms, a steal clamp attached to the car, Bucky's eyes widened but no one else seemed phased.

"Aren't you worried it's going to scratch the paint?"

"Stark designed it. It's not actually attached. It's all magnetic. No paint damage," she said lazily as she settled into her seat.

Bucky tried to relax in his seat but this reminded him too much of the chair… It was a dark, enclosed space with no power to move or run away. He was entirely at the mercy of someone else. Sure the chair wasn't exactly like that, but it felt pretty damn close. The feeling of being powerless was the most similar. He hated that.

The car was nestled into its spot, and the doors opened. Bucky lurched out; happy he had the ability to run if he wanted. Part of him did, till he saw Steve's goofy smile. He could tell how happy the other was that he decided to come with them, granted, he didn't really have a choice. He felt his feet run cold as he imagined declining Rogers. He would have clearly come anyway.

They walked to an elevator. Steve suddenly became a bit fidgety. "Something wrong, man?" Sam asked, his brow furrowing.

"Not a big fan of elevators anymore," Steve answered simply.

The elevator dinged as it arrived at their floor and they all piled in. Bucky jumped as they were greeted by an automated, female voice. "Welcome to Stark Industries. What floor please?" He had fallen back into Steve. Steve's sturdy arms came to catch him at the elbow. Bucky looked over his shoulder at a pair of concerned ocean blue eyes. Despite his better wishes, he gasped at the touch. Where Steve's hands had held him, he felt gentle waves of heat caressing him like a soft fire on a cold night. He recoiled instantly, moving to the other side of the elevator. He hoped he'd played it off convincingly enough, like he didn't trust Steve. Otherwise he'd have to face the shame of his body's betrayal.

"Penthouse," Natasha said, leaning against the elevator's wall.

The elevator moved quickly. Bucky didn't know they could move this fast… He held onto the railing a bit too tight, angered when he noticed Steve's smirk. "I'm not a fan of elevators either…" he said grumpily.

They arrived at the penthouse in practically no time at all due to the elevator's speed. The door dinged and the automated woman spoke once more, "Enjoy your day! Goodbye now."

They moved into the penthouse. Bucky checked each exit, looking at the wall-scale windows, noticing they were tinted; one way viewing. He looked to the kitchen, noting the placement of the knives. There were enough that if he needed to escape he'd just have to find a way to grab at them and throw them fast enough before anyone had a chance to react. He wouldn't make it, not with the reaction times of this group… He wasn't entirely sure about Natasha, but something was oddly, deeply familiar about her. He could have sworn he knew a little girl in Russia with red hair and sass…

"Welcome! I see Poppa Ice Cube and Baby Ice Cube! What a reunion," Stark called with his arms stretched out in welcome. He had a champagne glass in one hand and the bottle in the other. "Anyone care for a drink? Not you though." He pointed at Bucky. "I don't trust anyone who tries to shoot his best friend and then uses him for an escape route…"

Bucky growled, his fists clenching. He patted his pocket, feeling his blade, mostly for reassurance. Stark raised a brow, knowing full well what Bucky was doing.

"It's okay. They keep memory wiping him. If he had known he'd never have done that," Steve justified.

"That you know of," Bucky shot back.

Steve looked at him with what looked like, almost anger, though it was laced with shock and a bit of hurt. "Really?"

"I may have been swayed to the cause of Hydra and this is all just a lie."

"It's not. Stop being unreasonable," Natasha said as she took a champagne glass and allowed Stark to pour her a bubbling glass.

"And you know me so well?" Bucky challenged.

Natasha gestured a mock toast toward Bucky. "Actually, I do. I just didn't know _who_ you were when I met you. Thought you were just the same as me; an "asset."

"Wait, what?" Steve asked, his hands upturned toward the ceiling in confusion at his waist.

"So. Remember I said I…did some stuff for Russia? Red Room. He was part of it too. I just didn't know he was _your_ Bucky till you told me. He certainly didn't know back then either."

Bucky's mouth silently fell open. She had been part of Red Room? Why hadn't she said anything? "So that's why you seemed so…familiar."

"Memory wipes are a bitch, huh? They don't really wipe anything. But yet they do. But you know someone when you see them. You just don't entirely know why," she said taking a sip of her drink.

"Well, this has been most enlightening, but I really need to crack that arm open and disable its trackers and most likely dangerous fail safes that threaten all our lives. So. If you'd be a dear." Tony motioned to a work station in the corner, closer to the window.

Bucky looked to Steve, as if asking for approval. He watched Steve nod silently. He didn't need Steve's approval… He didn't need anyone's approval. Yet…he just asked for it… He rolled his eyes, as if that would help make his voluntary decision less of a voluntary and more involuntary.

He hesitated in front of the chair, garnishing flashbacks of his own…chair. "Relax. No memory wipes. It's not going to hurt."

"That you know of," Bucky countered.

"True… If I open that we could all explode. That may hurt. Sit." He pushed Bucky into the seat. Two wrist clamps came out of the chair. Bucky began to thrash, feeling like a cornered dog.

"They're precautionary! I have to be ready for any fail safe. They could have a neural implant that causes you to go crazy and kill anyone in the vicinity."

Bucky stopped. His breathing was heavy as he stared at Steve. He felt ashamed. How could he look at a man that had so much trust in him, and not know how to return that trust? There was a dedication that was unfounded; a loyalty that just didn't exist anymore. He was a monster now… Steve was a beacon of hope. Night and day. Good and evil. He looked away, feeling embarrassed, angry and pathetic all at the same time.

"Where's Legolas, Tash?" Tony asked as he bit down on a Philip's Head.

"Still on a mission I guess. Haven't heard from him in a few days."

Tony grunted in response. Bucky watched him work. Mostly entranced by his fingers. They were like excited puppies that just didn't know where to begin when faced with a juicy bone.

"Stark right?" Bucky said.

"Uh. Yeah," Tony replied as he took the Philip's Head out of his mouth and started with the star of Bucky's arm.

"I was supposed to kill you too," Bucky said. Granted, he didn't exactly say when or where… Despite wanting a reason to be angry or ashamed of something else, Bucky didn't want to reveal he had been the assassin that killed Tony's parents.

Tony slid his rolling chair down a bit, so he was next to Bucky's lap. The man tilted his head with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Look, I didn't think this speech needed to be given, but here. I'm going to say it. And I'm only saying it once. I hate you. I want you dead. You're a brat that doesn't even know why he's a brat because he's had a shitty life and do I partly feel sorry for you? Sure, maybe a bit, because you're the longest prisoner of war in history, but I think your contributory abetting constitutes some ground for an execution considering what you've done is at a federal level of espionage and assassination. You have continued to kill some of the _God damned_ _brightest_ minds in history and you sit there taunting it not because you really want to, but because you don't know how to behave any differently. I'll bet you hate yourself. I'll bet you look into mirrors and punch them or start crying. Hell perhaps both. But if you think I'm going to sit around and take your childish shit just because Soldier Boy over here is my friend, you've got another thing coming. I won't kill you. I won't even lay a finger on you. I'll find other ways to torture your twisted soul until it's practically in shambles and you jump off my roof. Got it?"

The room fell into a heavy silence. Tony huffed once and then scooted back up to the arm where he began working once more. Bucky blinked a few times, not sure where to look. Stark was….terrifyingly right. He'd said those words fully aware he'd affect the man in a negative way…just to get a rise out of him. Just to further perpetuate his monstrous identity. "Got it," he responded softly, his voice cracking.

Tony didn't respond. He didn't need to. He'd said his piece and nothing else needed to be evaluated. Steve on the other hand looked like he was fighting with what he was going to say but resulted in walking away toward a corner with Sam to speak in hushed whispers. Natasha was on her back, her legs flung over the armrests of the leather couch, swinging lazily. Bucky had never felt true embarrassment, perhaps a bit here and there when he did something a bit stupid out in the field (which he rarely did anything stupid), or with Steve recently, but now…it was a frozen, harrowing feeling that resided so deep down he wasn't sure if his stomach was on fire or ice cold. He could spontaneously combust and he'd be grateful for it…

"Shit," Stark said, flinging himself atop his rolling chair across the room toward a holo-computer. He pulled up a design of the arm; blue hues gently glowed and flashed green and red in some areas. "Houston, we have a problem…"

Everyone gathered around his holo-computer. Bucky leaned as forward as he could with shackled wrists.

"So, good news, I have deactivated most of the tracking devices. Bad news, if I deactivate the last one from here, and not a Hydra base, he gets one hell of a lethal injection right into the brain via this tube…" He pointed to the red flashing wire on the floating image. "Ripping the arm off isn't going to work either. It'll still trigger."

"So we have to go to a Hydra base to deactivate the last one?" Steve asked.

"And that's just tracking devices," Tony said, chewing on the butt of the Philip's head. "He's got a half dozen other fail safes in there I can't even begin to touch."

Steve ran his fingers tirelessly though his hair, running his fingers down his face, pulling the skin as he did so, making him look momentarily like an English Bulldog.

"I…don't like admitting this, but I need another brain."

"About time you realized that…" Natasha teased.

"We need Banner," Tony said, leaving Natasha's remark to be forever unanswered. "Honestly, we need Mr. Fantastic, and maybe even Parker. I don't want to be in the room when he blows up."

"So he has explosives in him?" Sam asked, looking back at Bucky like he was a ticking time bomb.

"Not…technically. He'll blow, but it won't be like a fire explosion. More of a ….gooey, squishy, organs-flinging around kind of explosion. Do you honestly think I'd let that get in my hair?" Tony ran his fingers gently through his dark hair, just for flair.

"So we call Banner," Steve said. "In the meantime, Sam, Natasha and I will go to a Hydra base and deactivate his last tracking device."

"Please don't bring Parker around, he's such a brat," Natasha said.

"It was a suggestion. Though I'd need someone…more or less as smart as me if Banner's dropped off the face of the world. Last time you found him in India. Where is he this time? Saving the world in Singapore?"

"Europe. He's in Edinburgh doing some research for the university," Natasha responded.

"How do you know everything?" Sam asked.

"It was published in a magazine," she retorted.

"So, it's great that you're all talking about me like I'm not here, I can't say I'm not used to it, but…this just means I should leave," Bucky said. "I'm not going to risk your lives for this."

"Wow. He has a heart. When did that happen?" Tony exclaimed sarcastically.

"Fuck you, Stark," Bucky responded. "Can I get out of these restrains now?"

Tony pressed a button on his watch and the restraints folded back into the chair. "You're very not welcome."

Bucky merely answered with a sneer.

"Bucky, that's not an option. We can handle this," Steve said.

Bucky felt his heart drop. He wanted to believe that. Truth be told, he wanted to stay. Every fiber of his being had only done one thing and one thing only…prove that somewhere deep down, he'd been a real man, with fears and dreams. "I can't ask you to do this for me. I still don't even know you."

"But you do know me, Bucky." Steve crossed the room, standing in front of Bucky, placing his large hands on each shoulder. The same gentle warming pulse erupted in Bucky's skin. He suppressed a moan, coughing instead. "I'm with you pal, till the end of the line. You said that to me once… and that's just how it's going to be."

Bucky didn't want to look into his eyes. He didn't want to see those big ocean blues full of optimism, loyalty and respect. He didn't want to see that jaw line with its perfect contours. He didn't want to see cheek bones worthy of a model. He wanted to crawl into a hole and hide in shame. How could someone so light be so loyal to someone so dark? "Just remember I didn't ask you to do this," Bucky responded.

Steve laughed, spinning away, his back straightening and his eyes hardening. "Natasha, you'll be in charge of deactivation. Sam, you and me will be a distraction. Stark, can you get a hold of Banner? Get him on one of your jets over here?"

"Yeah, no prob," Tony said, flicking open his cell phone and walking toward the kitchen section of the penthouse.

"We can do this, Bucky," Steve said, his teeth flashing in a goofy smile.

Bucky just pursed his lips, looking at the furthest corner of the room he could find. Damn, when Stark was right, he was right. Bucky did hate himself. He hated every moment he stood here, feeling once again like a burden, like a slave…but now it was even worse. He was a foolish slave… one that actually thought there was hope for a future.

* * *

See the joke I made? Did you?! I was proud of that joke... (Elevators, if you missed it, lol)


	3. Chapter 3

Not sure if this daily updating is going to last, but we'll see. Thank you for the reviews and favorites!

* * *

To say sitting across from Tony Stark in a room completely alone with him and a ticking clock was awkward, would be the most understated sentence in history. The ticking only made Bucky more painfully aware of the hatred the other had for him. Granted, Bucky hadn't started out on the right foot with the guy…on purpose…but this was almost torture.

He sighed, laying his head on the table, his metal arm stretched out underneath it for support. Steve, Natasha and Sam had left for the Hydra base, or at least Bucky thought it was still a functioning Hydra base. He's the one who'd given them the coordinates. Most of them were being found and decommissioned by FBI, CIA and remnants of SHIELD. Though this was the last one Bucky knew of, and he prayed it was still functional enough for Natasha to deactivate the failsafe.

Bucky's gaze darted to a sound that penetrated the otherwise awkwardly silent room (aside from the ticking). He watched Tony begin tinkering with a small robot, or at least it looked like a robot. Upon really looking though, he noticed it was simply a helmet.

"What's that?" he asked.

"One of my helmets. I'm Iron Man, or did your frozen ass not know?" Tony retorted, not once looking up from the helmet.

"For Steve's sake, can we please just pretend to get along when he's back?"

That made Tony look up. He sported a look of disbelief, with one eyebrow raised high, empowered with judgement. "Why do you care? You've made it a point to remind him you don't know him. You nearly tore his face off, back in DC. Did you know that?"

Bucky looked at his feet, avoiding the memory that made his sternum go cold.

Tony just kept talking though, "Yeah, you slammed that metal hand into him about as hard as you could. He had stitches going up his lips like a crazed serial killer. It's a miracle he survived all that. If you look really close though, you can still see the scar."

"I pulled him out of the water," Bucky said, not caring if Tony was still on his high horse or not. "I didn't have to. I shouldn't have. I did."

Tony's "feathers" seemed to finally slim down, his shoulders relaxed a bit. "Well. Good. Cause you could have killed him."

Bucky allowed a small smile to grace his lips. Steve had good friends.

The moon had been high into the sky by the time Steve and company returned. They looked tired and Sam's cheek had a small cut but other than that, they all seemed okay.

"You don't have to worry about getting a big ol' injection into the brain now. It's disabled," Natasha said as she swayed into the room, flopping onto the couch. "Ugh…I really should go shower…"

Steve didn't hesitate once he entered the room; he came right up to Bucky, kneeling at the man's feet as Bucky sat at the table. "You doing okay?"

Bucky pretended to stretch to hide the shiver of elation he felt when Steve's gaze consumed him. It started in the nape of his neck and coiled down his spine. "Tired. But yeah."

"Come on, let's get you to bed," Steve said giving Bucky's knee a quick squeeze before standing up. Bucky almost gasped at the contact, before biting down on his already wounded tongue. He tasted blood, but it wasn't nearly as much as it had been in the car. "Any word from Banner?" Steve said, craning his neck toward Stark.

"Yeah. He'll be here in the next couple of hours," Tony responded. "He is _not_ thrilled about this, mind you."

"When is he ever thrilled about anything?" Natasha countered.

Tony responded with a laugh.

Bucky watched everyone in the room. It was like a room full of life-long friends. Everyone had their guard down, even with him here. There was no checking doors or windows, or that casual pat on the pocket just to make sure a knife was there. It was unheard of for him. His thoughts were interrupted as Steve motioned for him to follow.

The penthouse was much larger than Bucky had originally thought. Down the long hallway and to the right, Steve stopped and motioned for Bucky to come inside. It was dark, so Bucky could only make out an ornate dresser that looked like it had been from China many years ago and a large canopy bed.

"Steve…" Bucky said on impulse. He brought his flesh hand up to cover his mouth in shock.

Steve stood in the doorway, waiting for Bucky to continue.

"Never mind."

"Bucky…" Steve sighed. "You can tell me anything. I know you don't trust me, not anymore, but I've never betrayed any secrets you've ever told me. Like that girl you liked back in grade school. Emma Jean? I think?"

Bucky sat atop the bed, feeling how soft it was. He guessed the sheets were silk. It was a nice change from a cryo chamber. "She had…red hair?" Bucky said back. He hadn't realized what he said before the words reverberated in his ears. His eyes rounded. He'd…remembered. He'd remembered….

Steve walked into the room, sitting next to Bucky, their shoulders were touching. Bucky didn't move away, he merely bit his bottom lip and let the gentle warmth rush into him where Steve touched. "She did have red hair."

Bucky appreciated how casual this was. He was sure most who regained a memory would be more ecstatic, but not Bucky. It wasn't significant enough. It wasn't Steve or their life together. Just a flash of red, curly hair and pale skin. He couldn't even make out the eye color. "I don't want you to go," he said, his fits balling tighter. It was relief that washed over him, caressing whatever soul he had left. Giving in to these feelings, these emotions or whatever they were… it was easier than fighting them. But that frightened Bucky.

"I'm not going anywhere," Steve said back. Bucky could hear the smile in that sentence.

"I mean tonight. I think Stark'll kill me in my sleep." It was a small lie, but it was enough to cover his true reason. It felt…good. It just felt good to be around Steve. He was Bucky's single light in an otherwise cold and dark world. Bucky didn't know why, but he could _feel_ it.

"Okay. I'll sleep in here then."

Bucky pulled his knees up, tucking them under his chin. He wrapped his arms around them like a child would. "I don't know what I'm saying. You don't have to stay."

"Bucky…" The name was sharp; pointed and had a hint of affirmation. "I said I'd stay."

"That's not… Oh hell…" He let go of his legs, flipping his back against the bed roughly, feeling it bounce a bit. It felt like a cloud. He was afraid he'd just keep sinking. He didn't like that Steve was staying quiet. It made him have to do the talking. "Everything's just…so confusing."

"I know. But we can get through this together," Steve answered.

Bucky closed his eyes tightly. He heaved a heavy, worn out sigh. "You're so positive."

Steve laughed lightly into the dark room.

"I don't know how you do it."

"Optimism. A bit of dumb courage. We are the only ones in control of ourselves. We control how we react to situations. This is how I choose to react to mine."

"Do you think less of me? For reacting the way I do?" Bucky felt his stomach knot as the uncomfortable sensation of butterflies trickled its way in.

Steve was silent for a moment. It only made Bucky feel like he was going to puke. The thought of Steve disapproving anything terrified him. Why? He didn't know this man's favorite color, his favorite sport or his birthday. Why did a stranger matter so much? Why couldn't he shake these haunting feelings away? He felt so far away from the other man, even though they were barely inches away. He just had the strongest impulse to just…_touch_…

He let his metal hand dangle in the air. It was the only way to shake this desire away. He watched as the moon's soft beams reflected off the shiny material. He pretended he was anywhere but here…perhaps on the moon…

"There'd be no reason in Heaven or Hell why I'd ever think less of you. Even when you were shooting rockets at me, I still held you only in the highest esteem."

Bucky laughed, it was guttural and full of shame. "Why?" He dropped his arm to his side, hating that it hadn't accidentally touched Steve's thigh.

"Because you're Bucky Barnes. You're the guy who chased all the bigger kids away from me when I was down. The guy who came over and pushed the couch cushions into a fort when I didn't want to sleep alone. You're the guy who saved my life more times than I could count. I had asthma before. You helped me breathe."

Bucky sat in silence, admiring a man he should be, but wasn't. "I wanna be that guy," he said, for once not hiding his true thoughts. "I just don't know how."

"Rome wasn't build in a day. Why should this be any different?" Steve countered.

"Because I'm not a city?" Bucky joked, feeling a crooked smile tease at his lips. This felt so familiar. Like he had sat in a dark room with Steve countless times before, just goofing off and talking about nonsense. So familiar…

Steve laughed, nodding in acceptance. "Yeah well… All good things come to those who can wait."

Waiting? Bucky didn't want to wait. He wanted everything now so these feelings would just stop, or perhaps just start to make sense? He'd feel more comfortable if he just understood why he felt the way he did. "I don't have any memories of you," he said, staring up at the canopy. "But I get these feelings. I know I know you. It's hard to explain."

Steve remained quiet. Damn.

Bucky swallowed, trying to find the right words without sounding too…odd. "I just want you around. So when I feel like I know you, maybe it'll be because one day…I'll actually know you. If that makes any damn sense."

"It does. So…I'm sleeping in here tonight." He playfully punched Bucky on the cheek, lightly of course, barely enough to push the skin in, but it was enough to set Bucky's face aflame with warm, gentle familiarity. He closed his eyes slowly, enjoying the sensation. "I'll be back. Need to shower first. Hopefully Natasha's finished in there…" Steve looked at the open door to the gently lit hallway. Bucky assumed he was mulling over the probability of Natasha actually being finished with the bathroom. "Try to get some sleep, okay?"

"Where'll you sleep? In here, I mean," Bucky asked softly, angered by how vulnerable he sounded. He was the damned Winter Soldier. He shouldn't sound so insecure.

"Where do you want me to?"

Steve was letting Bucky call all the shots, and Bucky _hated_ that. All he could remember was following orders and directives. Actually being the one calling the shots...did not sit well with his mind. He didn't want to sound so forward, but he just felt that he needed Steve close. The closer the better. Bucky wanted Steve to sleep in the bed. Perhaps he could even find a way to just brush his toes against the other man's, but that was so forward! Not to mention Steve had made it so clear that they were always friends back then. But why did Bucky feel something so much stronger? What had been going on in his mind all those years ago that Steve was ignorant to? Was there more? Or was this what friends experienced? What was right?

"I don't care," Bucky said, cursing himself inwardly as he rolled over, moving away from Steve. His heart clenched. Why did he have to be so distant? He'd been so good up till this point.

Steve nodded. "Okay, I'll bring in an air mattress then. Sleep!" He jumped up from the bed and strode out of the room.

Bucky kicked his shoes off, feeling foolish. But he was too tired to have any inner monologues with himself. He slid out of his clothes, remaining in his boxer briefs and pushed the clothes into a pile on the floor. He'd picked them up at a thrift store anyway. It wasn't like he was exactly thrilled with them. They'd served their purpose. He'd have to ask for more clothes though. He hadn't had much money on him. Just some that'd been given to him by a sympathetic scientist who'd asked him to buy something that provided him happiness. He'd never used it… till now.

He settled between the covers and forced his eyes closed. He didn't want to deal with this shit any longer.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry this took so long! Warning: Not proof read. Expect weird sentences...probably. XD

* * *

Bucky rolled onto his other side, looking out the window at the moon, wondering what it was called when a moon was almost at its full, but still had a small bit hiding in the shadows. He had never paid any attention in 4th grade science class. He shot up, his heart racing as he realized what he'd just experienced. He could see the brown desks with the black chairs. He could see the green chalkboards and the blurry outline of a female teacher. He started to laugh. Elation filling his lunges, making it feel as if he were going to fly away. He heard a grumbling sound from the floor. Painfully, he allowed the memory to slip from his mind as he looked down at a blonde man rubbing at his back as if it were in pain.

"You okay, Bucky?" Steve asked groggily, stretching.

"I never paid any attention in 4th grade science class…" he said, smiling into the moonlit room.

Steve quickly jumped to his feet, staring intently at Bucky. "You remember 4th grade science class?"

Bucky laughed again. "A little! But I can see it! Jesus, Steve!" He jumped from the bed, his body moving faster than his mind. It wasn't till he felt his skin come in contact with the other man's that he realized what his body was doing. He'd clung to Steve in a tight embrace, his nose just barely centimeters from Steve's neck. He could smell the other's aftershave; Crisp, a light scent of musk but mostly sweet.

He pulled away quickly, feeling his cheeks flush. His body protested, feeling ice cold. He suppressed a shudder. "I- I'm sorry," he stuttered.

"No…" Steve said softly, wrapping his arms around his friend's shoulders. "This is great, you have nothing to apologize for."

Bucky felt his skin ignite with that now-familiar sensation whenever he accidently bumped into Steve. He also felt as if a swarm of butterflies were franticly attempting escape from within his stomach. He wrapped his arms around Steve's middle. Resting his head against the other's shoulder. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to ever move. There was something within him that felt as if it were about to escape, to claw and gasp its way out, desperate to finally be revealed but Bucky didn't understand entirely what it was.

Steve pulled away first. Bucky whimpered impulsively, but he attempted to cover it with a cough. "You alright there?" Steve asked, giving his friend a gently smack of affection on the shoulder.

"Yeah, just a little… I don't know. My head's spinning."

"Lie back down. This is probably a lot to take in." He pulled the covers back for Bucky to get back into bed.

Bucky climbed back into the bed, scooting further to the wall away from the window. "The floor looks really uncomfortable…" It felt like he was about to puke up his heart.

"Oh nah, don't worry about it," Steve said waving a hand dismissively. "Stark's got expensive carpet."

"Well, I mean…" A wave of nausea hit Bucky like a freight train. He felt sweat begin to cling to his forehead.

"Hey…Bucky!" Steve crawled over the bed, sitting atop his legs as he put the back of his head against Bucky's forehead. "You're burning up."

"I don't feel so good," Bucky responded, clutching his stomach.

"Lemme get you a cold rag. I'll be right back!" Steve jumped off the bed, Captain America style and disappeared from view. Bucky coughed, feeling his body start to get its bearings once more. He slid under the covers, pulling them over his head and closing his eyes. It was Steve… Steve made him feel …all this. What was all this though? Why was it happening? It was practically unbearable. Every time Steve looked at him, brushed up against him, spoke to him…anything! It just gets worse and worse. But of course this didn't deter Bucky. It was like a drug, and he was utterly addicted. He craved Steve's presence like an alcoholic craved a beer at ten in the morning. It was an itch he just couldn't scratch, but he wanted to keep trying.

Bucky heard footsteps. He pushed the covers down to his bellybutton and felt another wave of nausea wash over him. He clutched his stomach and groaned. "Oh jeeze, Buck. You look terrible." He gently brought the wet, cold cloth against Bucky's forehead, patting him gently.

"Steve," Bucky gasped as his stomach flipped.

"M-maybe I should get Stark…" Steve said as he kneeled next to the bed, now patting down Bucky's neck with the cloth. "This could be a failsafe triggering."

"It's not," Bucky whispered, knowing if he tried to speak normally he'd just moan. With each soft, careful stroke from the damp cloth, Bucky's body responded with desire, with a pain that could only be fixed by the continuous touch of the other. "That's not it."

Steve brought the cloth back up to Bucky's forehead and placed it there gently, leaning against the bed as he kneeled, resting his arms atop the bed to stable himself. "Then what is it? Have you gotten enough fluids? Are you hungry?"

"Stop, please." Bucky closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. It helped him begin to calm down. It felt like the hairs on his arm closest to Steve were all standing on end, reaching out to Steve. "I didn't want to say anything…"

"Bucky, you can tell me anything," Steve said, blissfully unaware of the pain his "best friend" was enduring. It almost made Bucky angry, except he knew it'd be foolish to be angry with someone who had no idea on what was truly going on.

Silence filled the room as Bucky finally was able to get his body's feelings under control. He sighed in relief, letting his head sink a bit into the pillow. "I…" He felt his heart barely flutter, but it was enough to send him cowering at revealing the truth. It was all too much. What if this only got worse? What if being around Steve would just make this happen more and more, and at a greater cost? What if this was a failsafe… Maybe being around Captain America triggered something in the Winter Soldier programming that caused it to make him sick. Captain America had been his mission, his target…not his friend.

"I get panic attacks," Bucky lied. He still kept his eyes closed, so he didn't know if Steve was believing it or not. "When I'm out of cryo for too long, they just happen. Sorry."

He felt Steve lean away from the bed. His heart lurched up into his throat for a moment, but settled back in his chest.

"So…you're good now?" Steve asked, awkwardly. Bucky was sure Steve wasn't buying it from that tone, but he knew the blonde wouldn't push it.

"Yeah." Bucky turned away from Steve, curling up and pushing his face into his knees. He wanted to cry. God, when was the last time he truly cried? He couldn't remember. All he could see was just a blurry 4th grade teacher in front of a green chalk board…

He'd never paid attention to 4th grade science class…

When Bucky woke, he was alone. The door to the hallway was left slightly ajar. He sat up, looking over to where Steve had slept all night. On the floor was a crumpled blanket and a single, white pillow. Bucky felt a small pang of guilt for making Steve sleep on the floor. He swung his fleet over the bed, curling his toes into the plush carpet. It was a nice, thick carpet, but it wasn't like sleeping on a bed. He stood up, listening to his joints pop a bit as he walked around the bed and over to the window. He looked outside the large Stark Tower at the busy city below. All these people had no idea how close the bad guys truly got. They blissfully went about their day in happy ignorance. Bucky envied them. He'd been like that one right? Blissful and unaware of the tragedies of the world. It seemed like a nice life.

He was about to walk out the door when he realized he was only in his boxer briefs. He turned around, his gaze scanning the room to find jeans and a blue sweater folded neatly on the ornate dresser. Steve must have laid this out. Bucky quickly jumped into the clothing and made his way to the muffled sounds of conversation back in the largest part of the penthouse.

The room quieted when he came into view. "Talking about me I see."

Tony was leaning on the granite counter tops in the kitchen with a coffee mug that read "World's Best Scientist" on it. Bucky wanted to roll his eyes at that, but refrained. "Bucky, meet Dr. Bruce Banner."

A man with black hair and a dangerous look in his eye walked up to Bucky, with a hand stretched out. Bucky reached out with his metal hand.

"You shake with your left hand?" Banner asked.

"Only with guys like you," Bucky shot back.

"Bucky," Steve reprimanded. Bucky felt like a child being scolded by his mother. What made it worse was that he wanted Steve's approval, so he switched hands. Banner ignored the taunt and shook firmly, popping one of Bucky's knuckles.

"I hear you've got some techno gizmos that Stark here is too afraid to touch."

"I needed help. I didn't say I was afraid to touch them."

"Uh-huh," Banner responded. There was a mutual awe and respect that even Bucky could see between the two. "You should eat breakfast. It's going to be a long day for you," Banner said before walking away, going for another cup of coffee.

Bucky chewed on his bottom lip. He was afraid that if he ate, he'd just puke it out later, mostly fearing another episode like last night. Nevertheless, he walked over to the kitchen, feeling like a lost puppy. He was sure he couldn't just rummage through the cabinets, but no one was really offering anything…

"What can I get you, Mr. Barnes?" a male computer's voice asked. Bucky flinched, looking around for the source, but finding none.

"Did I not introduce you to Jarvis?" Tony asked as he sipped his coffee. "He makes a mean Eggs Benedict."

"I'll just have cereal," Bucky said, sitting at the kitchen island on a bar stool. Steve came to sit next to him. He could feel his skin tingle at their close proximity. He wanted to lean in so badly… But…what if it was a failsafe? After last night, he just couldn't be sure anymore. Maybe he'd ask Dr. Banner. "I'm sorry you slept on the floor," he mumbled softly.

"Don't worry about it. I've slept on a lot worse," Steve responded, playfully bumping his shoulder into Bucky's. Bucky gasped. "Hey, you okay?" Steve furrowed his brow, staring intently at Bucky's face.

"I-it's nothing." He could tell that Steve wasn't buying it, but the Captain let it go for now as a bowl of cereal appeared in front of Bucky.

"I'll have what he's having," Steve said to Jarvis.

"Certainly, Captain," the English AI responded.

They ate in silence, mostly listening to other people's conversations. Natasha was preparing to head out to look for the one they called Hawkeye on the basis that he hadn't checked in for a long time. Sam had wanted to help her, but she'd declined, saying it was something she had to do alone. Tony and Dr. Banner mostly picked each other's brains about science stuff that Bucky couldn't begin to possibly comprehend. The mention of a guy named Thor popped up a few times, but Bucky had no idea who the fuck that was or why they were all using booming voices with horrible fake English accents whenever they quoted him.

"You finished?" Steve asked.

Bucky looked down at his half eaten cereal bowl. The remaining flakes were soggy and at this point, rather like eating hay. "Yeah."

Steve took the bowls to the sink where he began washing them. "Uh, you know I've got a robot that can do that," Stark said over Steve's shoulder.

"I like doing this. Clears my head."

"You mean it's not clear already? I thought you just had a head full of air," Tony teased. They shared a soft laugh before Tony dropped the conversation and headed down the hallway. "Bucky?"

Bucky stood up, feeling a bit nervous. "Failsafe time?"

"Failsafe time," Dr. Banner answered. He placed a firm hand between Bucky's shoulder blades as he led the Soldier down the hallway.

Bucky looked back at Steve. His friend merely offered a light smile. That did nothing to stifle Bucky's agitated nerves.

They walked back into a room that was cluttered with mostly Iron Man parts and a surgical table. Bucky wanted to turn around, but when he'd slow his paces, Dr. Banner's hand would force him forward. The guy was stronger than he looked!

"Take a seat on that," Dr. Banner said as he pointed to the surgical table.

"Is it going to ensnare me like the other one?" Bucky asked, mainly directing the question to Tony.

"No. Bruce insists on that not being part of this."

Bucky smiled.

"Let's just say I have personal experience with feeling like a monster. You're not a monster," Dr. Banner said as he sat atop a rolling chair and rolled over in front of Bucky. There was something oddly trustworthy about Banner. But something was also a tad…off? It was like he was walking on eggshells, but he seemed rather content to always be doing so? Bucky liked him more than Stark, that was for sure.

"We're going to start with the basics. Temperate, blood pressure, and a series of questions. From this point on, there is a patient-doctor confidentiality. So please don't hide anything from me," Banner listed off as he put on his stethoscope.

"What about him?" Bucky jerked his head in Tony's direction.

"He's my nurse. He's also sworn to secrecy."

"Oh I'm your nurse now? Is that the little fantasy you've cooked in that head of yours?" Tony retorted as he put white, latex gloves on.

"Cute right?" Banner responded. "Take your shirt off please."

Bucky did as instructed, and was greeted with the cool bite of the stethoscope.

"Breathe in please… hold it…now out. Again please."

Being around Dr. Banner was oddly calming. Bucky was so used to his nerves constantly feeling like they were on fire that the pleasant feeling of nothing but the soft coolness of metal atop his chest and the rubber fingers against his back to straighten out his spine was refreshing. He didn't mind a boring doctor's checkup.

"You've got good lungs for an old guy," Dr. Banner teased. Now hold out your right arm. I'm going to take your blood pressure."

Stark handed Banner an arm sleeve. "You know I could have Jarvis do a full reading right? Get all his vitals in less than a few seconds?"

"That's not how you build trust between a patient and a doctor though, Stark," Banner said as he slid the cuff on Bucky's arm. "Besides, he should remember this from before."

"Before?" Bucky asked, squinting as the cuff began to squeeze.

"From before you were declared MIA. Before HYDRA found you."

"I don't remember much."

"You will." Banner sounded so sure of it. It was comforting to have someone who seemed so knowledgeable so confident in Bucky. "120 over 90. You've got some hypertension. We should watch his sodium and get him some blood pressure medication."

Stark jotted down the directions.

"Okay," Banner said as he pushed off the tile floor with his feet, sliding over to a table not far from Bucky. He picked up a thermometer and slid back over. "Put this under your tongue and hold it."

"What are we? Three?" Stark asked sarcastically.

"Again, this is how you establish patient-doctor relationships. While your tech is efficient and highly accurate, that's not the entire point here."

"I like the compliment you put in there. Well done."

"Only for you, Stark."

Bucky could see these two were great friends. They challenged each other in brains, but it was all friendly competition. Their banter was casual, almost flirtatious. Bucky put the thermometer under his tongue, disliking its pressure at such a sensitive junction in his mouth, but he withstood it.

"Ninety-nine. You run hot. Not unexpected. I do too."

Bucky cocked an eyebrow.

"You've no idea what I am do you?" Banner asked, an amused grin on his face.

Bucky didn't think his left brow could go up any higher as he waited for an explanation.

"Ever hear of The Hulk?" Stark said from his perch atop a workbench. He was fiddling with a gauntlet now instead of taking notes, though the notepad was still there at his side. "Big green guy who smashes stuff and don't care? That's him." He nodded his head in Banner's direction.

"No. I've never heard of The Hulk. Sorry."

Banner laughed, it was almost like a sigh of relief, which confused Bucky. "That's fine by me. The big guy isn't exactly my favorite part of me anyway. I was researching super soldier serum. Add a pinch of gamma radiation and bam. Me."

Bucky nodded. "You don't like it?"

"No. But it serves a purpose. Saved New York from an alien invasion awhile back. You heard of that right?"

"No. I was given HYDRA intel only if they needed me to know something. Guess they didn't need me to know that."

"Youtube it. It's pretty interesting now looking back," Banner said as he placed the thermometer back on the table and then slid back to Bucky.

"What's a Youtube?" Bucky asked.

"They're like cats, those guys. You unfreeze one and suddenly they all start coming around!" Stark joked.

Banner allowed a small, worn smile onto his features, but it didn't reach his eyes. Bucky understood him a bit better now. That's why his eyes had looked so dangerous. There was a darkness within that he had to constantly control, lest it be unleashed. Bucky could relate.

"Question time. How old were you when you were taken captive?" Banner rested one leg over the other, balancing his ankle atop his knee as he shook it like someone with restless leg syndrome.

"Twenty-eight."

"Do you know how you were created?"

"Experimentation."

"Elaborate?"

Bucky shrugged. "I don't know. Given a metal arm. Pumped with drugs. Cryo freezes. It's a huge blur for me. I just know my missions."

"Missions as The Winter Soldier?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have any memory from before you were captured?"

"Sort of. It's all starting to come back to me, but really slow. I remember a girl named Emma Jean and my 4th grade classroom. Everything else is sort of like…" Bucky scrunched up his face as he searched for a word. "Like a murky haze. I know I know something, or I know I remember something. I just can't…access it. It's more feelings of something familiar."

"Does Rogers trigger any of that?"

It was an innocent question, but from Bucky's panic-stricken expression it was almost as if Banner asked if he'd drown any puppies lately. Bucky felt his whole body tense up, like someone was pumping him with a paralysis drug. Banner raised his brows, waiting, but not entirely patiently.

"A-a little," Bucky whispered. He felt betrayed by his vocal chords as they slunk into the dark depths of his throat.

"Care to explain?" Banner asked casually.

Bucky looked to Stark. He knew he could trust Dr. Banner, but he wasn't entirely sure about Tony. "I'd rather just tell you, not him."

Tony looked like he'd just been backhanded by some cheap one-nightstand. "I'm a very trustworthy person!"

"Tony…" Banner said through a sigh. "Just go outside for a minute?"

"It's because I said I hated you isn't it?"

Bucky smirked. It was amusing how offended Stark was, yet he'd laid his feelings on Bucky heavily. He was such a child.

"Stark!" Banner hissed. "Out."

"Fine, fine. I can see when I'm not wanted. I'll just be right beside the door… twiddling my fingers." Tony slunk out of the room, his hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders slumped.

Banner turned back to Bucky. He had a tired, half smile on his face. "Charming fellow isn't he?"

"I think I'm growing on him…" Bucky said lightly. There was a comfortable moment of silence between the two, enough for Bucky to shift his body so he was sitting cross legged on the operation table. It wasn't the most comfortable thing. "Steve…" Bucky breathed out. He wanted to talk about this with someone. Banner seemed like the best option because he vowed himself to secrecy. Doctors took that kind of thing seriously. "Steve helps me remember. It's all slow. Mostly I just get flashes of images but…I get these feelings too."

Banner's head perked.

"At first it was like…the hairs on my skin would spike toward him, like I was a magnet." Bucky felt his toes go cold. He wrapped his flesh hand atop them to try to warm them up. "It just got worse."

"Worse as in, painful?"

"No. More desperate. Each time he bumps into me, my skin goes hot. I spend most of my day wanting him to look at me, or talk to me."

"Perhaps you're body remembers what your mind's forgotten. He was your best friend. Maybe it's trying to cling to that familiarity?"

Bucky pursed his lips. "I don't think that's all…" He felt ashamed. "I get these…impulses. Like last night when we were in the bedroom talking, I just wanted…" He felt his throat clench. He closed his eyes, trying to center himself. He felt like he was going to throw up. "I'm afraid."

Banner nodded silently. He set the pen down, not having wrote any of this down. "Has Steve talked to you about the life you two shared?"

"Not really. Nothing in detail."

"So you don't know the relationship you had with him? Other than what he's said to you?"

"Correct."

Banner rolled his lips. "When you're out of cryo, do you feel…attracted to any of the men around you? Or women?"

Bucky stared blankly at Banner. He wanted to lash out, to scream at him and tell him how insulting that was, but it was now all coming together. He felt these things because his body remembered Steve in a way Bucky's mind couldn't. Muscle memory was always the last thing to go. "I got tossed around like a cheap date. Didn't matter the gender. I hated them all equally when they did that to me."

Banner squinted, like it was painful for him to hear. _Try living it then,_ Bucky thought. Banner smoothed out his lab coat over his chest before looking up to Bucky. "I think you need to talk to Steve."

"Really Doc? That's your diagnosis?" Bucky spat. He couldn't talk to Steve about this. Steve had never talked to him about it! Therefore, nothing like this had happened in the past. It was all Bucky… Bucky had felt this way all along, and he'd never said a thing to Steve about it. He almost felt sorry for his past self, except he was now the schmuck living it.

"I'm not saying go up to him and blurt it all out, but…ask him small questions. Start asking him what you two used to do for fun. What your favorite food was. Get him to start opening up about your past. Maybe you'll remember faster _and_ get a hold of these impulses you're experiencing."

Bucky felt his eyes sting as tears welled up in the corners. He closed his eyes, feeling his uneven breaths, his cold toes and his conflicted emotions. He wanted to talk to Steve, because he simply wanted to talk to Steve. He was his only friend, his only lifeline to a past long ago; a life. But he also wanted to talk to Steve to see those sparkling ocean blues and those smooth lips…

His eyes snapped open as he punched in frustration into the cold metal table he sat upon. He felt his metal arm go through the surface.

Banner stood up, his hands in front of him in defense. Stark came through the door quickly, his eyes round in shock. "The fuck?" he said.

"We just took a bit of a not so fun trip down memory lane. All's good. Right, Bucky?"

He was breathing heavily. He could see his chest rising and falling. He pulled his arm out of the table, hopping down to the floor. "Yeah. We're good."

Tony hesitated for a moment, but Banner's pleading expression calmed him down. Bucky watched the man's chest unfurl. "You're lucky I'm rich or I'd make you pay for that." It was meant as a joke, but no one laughed, not even Stark.

"I guess I'm not the only one who gets watched like a glass cannon," Banner said, standing up and removing the stethoscope from around his neck. "We'll some CT scans and some MRI's later. Go calm down for now."

Bucky walked out of the room, shoving passed Stark. He wasn't angry at them. In fact, he was beginning to enjoy Stark's humor and his silly behavior. He'd always found Dr. Banner instantly likable. He was angry at himself. Angry that he'd been feeling these intense emotions and these strong desires to reach out, to touch and being so confused as to why. It was staring at him right down his face, dead in front and he didn't have a clue. Well now he did…

And he hated it.


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry it took so long! Just wasn't feeling it, but I'm back into the feeling!

* * *

Bucky sat on the L-shaped sectional, his knees tucked under his chin and his arms wrapped around his legs. He followed Steve's move with a lazy gaze, one mixed with hope and fear. Steve had been talking to Stark for the most part, but then he'd received a phone call that sent him pacing back and forth. He'd raise his voice, but it wasn't in anger, more like it was in a passion. Something about Natasha and that Clint guy the group kept talking about. His brow was furrowed which made him look older, but not necessarily in years, just in wisdom. Bucky turned away, feeling a mixture of wanting to be Steve's focus and being angry that he wanted to be Steve's focus.

Was it even okay? Sure he'd been had by men back with HYDRA, but it wasn't romantic…just sex. Was this forbidden? Accepted? He tried to remember anything, any small piece that would help trigger his memory about these feelings. He chewed on his bottom lip, frustrated that nothing came to him; Just an empty darkness that gave him no hope.

"Hey, you okay?" Steve's voice shattered Bucky's concentration. He looked up, a few strands of his brown hair falling into his eyes.

"Oh uh…just tired."

"Well get un-tired. We've got to crack open that arm again and disarm the rest of your fail-safes before we can head to any of my safehouses," Tony said, picking up a screw driver and tossing it between his hands.

"I thought we were going to your house?" Steve asked.

"You honestly think I'd let HYDRA's prize pony walk right into my living room?" Tony shot back.

Steve gritted his teeth, but he didn't say anything else.

Bucky stood up, heaving a heavy sigh and walked back down the long hallway. Staring at Steve wasn't the best option right now anyway. All it did was make him pissed off. "Where you going?" Steve asked.

"For a nap. Stark's orders."

Bucky knew he was being followed though. At the end of the hall he took a swing. His metal arm crashed into the wall, the drywall gave way, leaving a nice hole into the other bedroom. Steve raised his brows in disbelief.

"Bucky…what on Earth is going on with you?"

He winced, feeling guilty about his moment of weakness. "I just…I can't take this." He walked into the bedroom, feeling cornered, which made him feel foolish as he'd walked right into here of his own accord.

"Can't take what, Buck? You can talk to me."

"No I can't!" Bucky yelled. He bit his lower lip, running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know shit about you! I don't know shit about me! You're some guy who runs around in tights saving the world and I'm just…" His voice broke. He sat heavily on the bed, closing his eyes as he tried to center himself. "I don't even know your favorite food, or color. I don't know your favorite sports team. I don't know your first pet's name. I know nothing."

Steve sat down next to him. It was too close… their shoulders were touching. Bucky wanted to lean in. He stifled a whimper as he moved further away from Steve.

"Favorite food? Apple pie. Favorite color? Probably a tie between blue and red. Favorite sports team? The Yankees. My first dog was named Lucky."

Bucky laughed. "What were mine?"

Steve adjusted himself on the bed, turning in to face Bucky more. "You always did appreciate a good hot dog. You weren't too keen on sweets."

"Steve…" Bucky whispered; his gaze cast to his shoes "Tell me a story…about me."

Steve laughed. "You would have probably said that even if you remembered your life. You were always a tad self-centered."

"Hey!"

"A good self-centered!"

Steve's smile was relaxing. Bucky could feel his heart begin to steady. Bucky moved further up the bed, his back against the headboard. He looked up at the decorative canopy. Stark did love his flair. "I just need to know who I was."

"Who you are," Steve corrected. He scooted up the bed, placing his hand on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky winced, like the touch was painful. "You're still Bucky Barnes. One day you're going to wake up and remember everything and this will all be behind you."

Bucky's lips twitched in turmoil. He wanted to lash out. He wanted to tell Steve how wrong he was, and that he'd never be the same Bucky Barnes ever again. On the other hand, he understood what his friend was saying. He'd know everything of who he was…thus all this turmoil would be forgotten. He'd get all the answers he wanted to know and even the answers to the ones he did not want.

"Any story," Bucky said trying to remove Steve's heavy gaze from Bucky's face.

Steve leaned back, removing his hand from Bucky's shoulder. He pursed his lips in thought, thinking back on days Bucky couldn't. "Okay. Back in high school. You were this smart, handsome jock and I was the benchwarmer. I wanted to play baseball so badly but the coach wouldn't dream of putting an asthmatic on the team. I was pretty upset, naturally. One weekend you took me to a ballpark. You'd arranged a lot of the guys from the team to be there and you all let me play ball with you. I never got to first base, but I didn't care. You made me feel included. A habit you kept throughout our friendship. When I became Captain America, you even said you didn't want to follow the man in the stars and stripes. You wanted to follow the little guy from Brooklyn. You never abandoned me, no matter how reckless and stupid I was. I'll never forget when I was up to the plate, staring down your pitcher as he threw. I hit a really lousy hit, but you were cheering the loudest."

Bucky didn't say anything. Of course he'd cheered the loudest. If what Banner theorized was correct, Bucky had feelings much deeper for Steve than friendship for years. He was astonished that Steve had never seen them. Or had he? Had they been ignored? Rejected? Bucky had no idea.

"I guess that's what best friends do, huh?" Bucky responded after the silence. "Sounds like I followed you around like a puppy."

Steve laughed. "No. I clung to you like glue in high school. Not many of the other kids liked me. I was mostly shoved into lockers and garbage bins."

"I'm going to go find Stark," Bucky said, abruptly changing the subject. Steve even furrowed his brow in confusion. "Thanks for the trip down memory lane."

Steve sat on the bed awhile longer, but Bucky was already out of the room. He was greeted abruptly by Stark's displeased face. "You broke my wall."

"It got in my way," Bucky countered.

Tony raised his brow, provoking Bucky to continue this, but Bucky deflected. "I'm ready to get HYDRA's shit out of me."

"Cool."

Bucky really was starting to like Stark. They had a mutual understanding, one that required no explanation or really any words. It was refreshing…

* * *

Bucky lay on his back, his eyes staring up at the pale-white overhead light. He'd occasionally look away to have a large dot blocking his vision. He'd wait for it to dissipate and then would repeat process. He could feel Tony and Dr. Banner move his arm one way, unscrew something here and there. He could hear the hissing and popping sounds as they continued to rewire, remove and replace. It didn't hurt. It was just boring. He looked back up at the white light, scratching his nose with his other hand.

"Wanna tell me why you slammed a whole in Stark's wall?" Bruce Banner asked as he hooked up a computer to a chip in Bucky's arm.

"I didn't want to be followed."

"If you had any money…I'd make you pay for that," Tony said. "But you don't…and I'm a billionaire so here we are."

Banner merely rolled his eyes playfully at Stark's remark. "It was Rogers though," Banner pressed. "You knew that."

"I had my back to him."

"You're trained. You knew who was following you," Banner said back.

Bucky liked how ballsy Banner was. "I just needed a minute to think about what you told me."

"Did you ever get that minute?" Banner closed the laptop, unplugging it from Bucky's arm and picked up a pair of tweezers.

Bucky's gaze returned to the light once more. "Not really. But I did ask him a few questions."

"Did it help any?"

Bucky flinched as he felt a shock go up into his shoulder.

"Oops…that's a live wire," Stark said. Bucky could see the small presence of shock in Stark's eyes.

"Thought you knew what you were doing," Bucky stated.

Stark glared at him. "I know that if I cut this wire you'll never be able to use this arm again? Subsequently having it as dead weight. Do you know how heavy this thing really is?"

"Stark…" Banner warned. "Play nice you two."

"Yes _Dad_," Tony teased, flashing a crooked smile.

They went back into silence, save the few clips and gentle sounds of metal upon metal. Bucky once again looked up into the light. Each time the dark spot blocking his sight took longer to heal. He chewed on his bottom lip for lack of anything better to do.

"You never answered my question," Banner said, his face not but an inch away from Bucky's opened arm.

Bucky looked down to what they were doing. "Is that an explosive?"

"We should have blindfolded him," Stark said as he set the explosive on the metal tray, along with other dead wires and fail-safes.

"Answer the question, Bucky," Banner said. "Lay your head back."

Bucky growled, but did as he was told. "I don't know what it did. Apparently I was some great friend, always there and doing the best things so that Steve had a childhood that wasn't full of misery."

"He's probably very appreciative of that and wants you to see how much you've impacted his life," Banner said. "You shouldn't find it so distasteful."

"If I was so popular and well-liked, why did I seem to only have one friend? What if he's lying to me?"

"I don't think he can lie," Stark said, bringing out a new wire to fuse into Bucky's arm. "He's Mr. Goodie-Goodie."

"I don't think he has any reason to lie," Banner said. "Perhaps his view is a bit biased because he's upheld you in high regard?"

Bucky felt his heart flutter at the idea. He bit his tongue to divert the feeling. Not knowing himself….not knowing his past with Steve…not knowing how he'd handled these feelings before or even knowing how to…progress? It was beyond frustration and into the brink of maddening ferocity. Then, a small, cold thought crept into the base of his skull, warming and becoming white hot as his eyes rounded in realization. "He said I was fond of hot dogs, didn't say they were my favorite. He didn't tell me the name of my dog, if I had a dog, my favorite sports team… He didn't tell me anything about me."

Stark cocked a single brow. "And?"

Banner nodded, seeming to understand the train of thought. "You think he never focused on you, because you were too busy being focused on him?"

"Yeah, maybe. Though I saw it more of him not really being as analytical to me as I was to him. If…that makes any sense."

Banner nodded silently. "We're almost finished here. You should probably talk to him about this more. I think it's helping, even if you don't think so."

"Yeah. I think I will…" Bucky said, clenching his flesh fist, staring at it till he could feel his nails digging into the rugged skin of his hands.

* * *

Bucky sat in the dark bedroom that he shared with Steve. He sat atop the bed, cross-legged with his elbows resting on his knees and his shoulders slumped over. His dark hair covered his face, obstructing his blank stare at the edge of the bed. He felt anxious. The idea of a rather one sided relationship bothered him more than he'd care to ever admit. He couldn't imagine how he must have felt, harboring such feelings toward Steve and Steve…never knowing, or caring for that matter. What if Steve had taken their relationship for granted? No…that couldn't be possible. He'd refused to fight Bucky before. He would have let Bucky kill him. There was no way…

"Bruce said you wanted to talk?" Steve said, leaning on the door frame. "You okay? How was the procedure?"

"Fine."

Steve remained in the doorway, as if he didn't want to be lured further in. It agitated Bucky.

"What's my favorite color?"

Steve sighed.

"Do you fucking know it?"

Steve walked into the room, closing the door behind him. "Of course I know it!" Steve hissed.

"Then why're you so annoyed?"

"I'm not annoyed, Bucky!" Steve walked over to the window, taking a moment to regain composure. He stared at the setting sun. Bucky could see his eyes catch the light, reflecting like a shimmering blue jewel. He wondered if his eyes could do that. "I can't imagine what you're going through. But does knowing your favorite color really matter? Will it help you get your memories back? What about stories about your parents? Or growing up? What about the first time you rode a Ferris wheel with me and we got stuck at the top, so you starting throwing popcorn at people below!"

"It wasn't popcorn," Bucky suddenly said. "I had roasted almonds…" He felt like he was floating suddenly. He felt like he was spinning. His eyes rounded in elation at the realization. "It wasn't popcorn! It was almonds!" He jumped from the bed, going over to Steve and grabbing his shoulders, jumping up and down with the other, smiling man. "Jesus! It was fucking almonds!" He felt like he'd fly any moment. His heart fluttered in its boned cage as he continued to laugh.

"And people had no idea who it was, so they kept just spinning in circles!" Steve said back through laughter.

"So my dumb ass decided to start saying, "Look out below!"

"Bucky! You remember this." Their elation subsided to a strange serene calm. Bucky hadn't felt so light in years. He wore a small smile, looking into Steve's ocean blue eyes.

"Fuck my favorite color."

"It's green," Steve said pulling Bucky's head to his. Their foreheads rested against each other's. It was meant to show comradery, brotherly companionship but Bucky felt like he was violating Steve, because to him this meant so much more. He pulled back instantly, recoiling into himself.

"Bucky…"

He shook his head. He had no words to offer. He felt so ashamed suddenly. Angry, that he couldn't just come clean with his friend, confused, because he still didn't know the true extent of these feelings and sad, because he didn't know how Steve would accept them. It was starting to eat away at him. He could feel his skin cracking, having been depraved of Steve's touch for so long. His stomach spun, tying itself into knots so tight Bucky felt he'd fall from its force.

Steve took a step forward, concern etched into the lines of his face; his righteous, honorable face. Bucky stepped back, the muscles in his legs giving out, so he fell to the floor. "Bucky!"

Steve kneeled before Bucky, one hand on the man's shoulder and another moving to check the man's temperature. Bucky swatted Steve's hand away before the man could touch his forehead. "Bucky!"

"I'm not sick, Steve," Bucky said. He was pretty sure his intestines were going to start crawling out his mouth at any minute.

Steve sat across from Bucky, his wrist casually thrown over an uplifted knee. "I know the memories can probably take a lot out of you."

Bucky crossed his arms over his stomach, as if trying to pull himself further away from Steve. "That's not it either. I'm…really happy I'm remembering. Just not all the memories seem to be good ones."

Steve's brow creased. "You've remembered more?"

"Remember how I told you I can remember a feeling, but not really an image to go with it?"

"Yeah. That's been happening a lot?"

Bucky leaned his head against the dresser behind him. Did he want to do this? It had been building and building within him since he'd met Steve again. What would happen if his friend didn't feel the same? Or what if it was prohibited? He still didn't know for sure. "Y-yeah. It's just confusing. I'm fine though, honestly."

Steve's gaze lingered heavily upon Bucky, but he eventually nodded in acceptance. "I know you're not telling me everything. But you're not ready. I know. So when you're ready…you can tell me." Steve stood up, offering a hand to help Bucky up. "Want some dinner before we leave? We fly out tonight."

Bucky grabbed Steve's arm. Instead of fighting it, he simply took comfort in the soft, tingling sensation that tickled his skin where Steve held. The grip was strong, protective. Bucky smiled softly.

"Bucky?"

He blinked, coming out of his thoughts. "Oh, yeah." He looked down again and realized he was still holding Steve's arm. Hastily, he dropped his hand to his side.

"You're not entirely the same…but you're getting there. You used to always suddenly…space off like that. Never really understood why." Steve clasped him on the shoulder before leaving the room. Bucky looked on where Steve had left… He understood why.

Whispering softly into the darkening room he said, "It's because I loved you."

* * *

I think I'm finally getting somewhere... I just don't like to rush plots


	6. Chapter 6

Forgive the delay! Life got busy! This chapter is NOT edited, so expect a few mistakes.

* * *

The flight to one of Stark's safe houses was relatively smooth. Steve had some qualms about leaving without Natasha, but for Bucky's sake, he'd left the Stark Tower. HYDRA wasn't extinct and they were still out there, looking for Bucky. On the plane, everyone mostly slept, except Bucky. He'd taken to a window seat and used the quiet for soft reflection. He couldn't lie anymore. He loved Steve. Or the man he once was loved Steve. Something… It hurt his head too much to really reflect on it at this point. He loved Steve, well, he was in love with Steve. Steve Rogers. Captain America. Captain _Fucking_ America. He'd come to terms with it. He just didn't know what to do with it at this point…

So here he was, feeling the ghosting feelings of a man lost to him for a man right in front of him, standing in what looked to be a ten million dollar house, staring at the back of the head of the man who he was pretty sure he was in love with. _'I'm so fucked up.'_

"You're my hero, Stark," Sam said as he marveled at the luxurious mountain abode. It was certainly too large to call a cabin. Its log walls clutched against the mountain, displaying its several levels. The middle level had a large window that seemed to span the entire room, but Bucky would have to get more details when he entered the house. The first floor, or what Bucky assumed as much was carved from the mountain itself. Bucky could see the windows dotting the mountain's side.

"That's the reaction most people have when they look at me. I'm quite heroic and all. Come on! Pile in, kiddies!"

Steve, Dr. Banner, Sam and Bucky all followed behind Tony. Bucky softly smiled as everyone's eyes rounded when they entered the "cabin." Stark spared no expense for this lavish woodland home. The kitchen sported dark gray countertops and light brown cabinets and a dark, ashen brick backsplash that was clearly styled to look careless in that very careful way. The kitchen spilled out into the open floor plan living room and dining room. This was where the giant window was that Bucky had observed before. Tall ceiling fans spun lazily, as if being too elite for those who stood below them. Bucky was impressed…he admitted it.

"Didn't take you for the outdoors-type," Steve said as he flopped into an oversized leather couch, resting his head back, exposing his pronounced Adam's apple.

Stark swayed into the room, like the big shot he was, before sitting in an oversized lounge chair. He tapped his fingers atop the leather as if evaluating before speaking, "I like the occasional kayak excursion. Maybe some starlight nights, just me and Pepper…"

"Oh stop please," Dr. Banner said jokingly. He settled into one of the dining room chairs, turning it around to face the rest of the group.

Bucky went over to the window, the voices of the men behind him turned into soft background music as he looked outside. The mountain was tall. Clouds lazily floated below them as if engorged from a heavy meal. Trees saturated the mountains outside, but their serene existence didn't stop Bucky's heart from beating like a drummer in a snare band. He saw flashes…a white mountain, snow most likely. He felt the cold grip of fear at the back of his neck and suddenly felt like he was falling. He touched the window, his fingers leaving marks as he couldn't grab it. Panicked, he started screaming.

He was falling.

He was _falling_!

White snow and cold wind greeted him with vile laughter and icy bites as he fell. He grabbed for anything, tears falling from his eyes as he envisioned his mangled body after it would hit the mountain floor.

But he didn't hit the ground, and his body wasn't a mangled mess. He was in a man's arms, and a smooth, creamy voice was coaxing him to relax, calm down, everything was going to be alright…

He opened his eyes to see ocean blues and dirty blonde hair. "S-Steve," he croaked. His breathing was still erratic and he couldn't shake the feeling that he was still falling.

"You're okay, Bucky. You're okay."

Bucky looked around him, seeing several heads above him, all their brows laced with concern and their mouths drawn into hard lines.

"I'm…I'm not falling?"

"Do you know where you are, Bucky?" Dr. Banner asked. He came to Steve's side, using a small flashlight and checked each of Bucky's eyes.

"I'm…I'm in a…" Bucky found it hard to answer. He was surrounded by white, snow covered mountains and fir trees, waving at him as he continued to fall down.

"Bucky, come back to me," Steve called out. "You're in Stark's cabin. You're not falling."

"I take it he's remembering stuff now…" Stark said. It was meant to be a joke, or at least Bucky thought so, but he was too preoccupied with grabbing Steve's blue shirt, digging his fingers into the fabric as he began to cry again. He was safe… He wasn't falling. Christ, was that what happened to him? Was that what his past self had to endure? That fear, that pain of anticipation of how it'd feel once he hit the ground. Would he die instantly? Would he suffer? Would he feel bones break and blood spurt?

Steve began stroking his hair, still offering words to try to soothe Bucky, but he just couldn't calm down.

"Cabin in the mountains. Yeah that'll be a great idea!" Sam said sarcastically.

"How was I supposed to know he'd remember his fall suddenly?" Stark shot back.

"This isn't ideal, but it's progress. His mind is trying to fix itself," Banner said.

"He's got PTSD though," Sam said. "I'd know this kind of panic attack anywhere and any day."

"Good thing we've got you here then, Sam," Steve said, a small smile on his lips as he continued to stroke Bucky's hair. "He's going to need someone to talk to."

Bucky started to feel his muscles relax. His heart wasn't racing a mile a minute anymore. He felt so ashamed. He was in Stark's cabin. He wasn't falling. But he had fallen. He had watched snowy mountains slip by him and fir trees that he couldn't grasp. He'd seen a man in a spangled costume above him, screaming out his name as he fell; their hands outstretched in hopelessness as one watched the other die.

"I fucking hate mountains," Bucky finally said. Everyone offered unsure chuckles.

"You're going to be okay," Steve said once more. Bucky pulled away from him, leaning back against the leather couch, looking out at the vast mountain range before him. He regretted pulling away, but he felt ashamed; weak.

"Do you want to lie down?" Banner asked.

"I just want to sit here," Bucky responded. He tucked his knees under his chin, wrapping his arms around his legs.

"You guys mind if we have a minute?" Steve said as he moved to sit by Bucky.

"Take your time, come on you two, let me give you the grand tour," Stark said as he led the other two gentlemen out of the room.

They sat in silence for only seconds, but Bucky couldn't tell if it'd been years or hours. His mind was elsewhere, still seeing those white mountains and hearing the desperate call of a train's whistle.

"You okay?" Steve asked.

Bucky didn't know how to respond. He wanted to list off all the reasons he wasn't okay, his newfound historical love of Steve included, but instead he just shook his head from side to side. "I don't know. Maybe?"

Steve smirked. He wrapped his arm around Bucky, like any older brother would do for his younger one. Bucky hated that. He flinched, but didn't move away. Steve's skin was too warm to willingly push away. "We'll get through this, together."

"You're always so painfully optimistic."

"Part of my charm," Steve responded with a shit-eating grin. Bucky playfully punched his friend's shoulder. He was feeling so much more calm now, even if he was staring out at the darkening mountains.

"Wanna wander around this place?"

"I don't know."

Steve stood up, offering a hand down to Bucky. "Oh come on. It'll be fun!"

Bucky shot a weakened glare up at his friend, but he accepted Steve's hand. They stood just barely inches apart. Steve cocked a solo eyebrow. Bucky hadn't realized he was still holding Steve's hand. "Oh! Sorry."

"Let's start upstairs."

They climbed the staircase to the upper floor, peaking into the lavish bedrooms. They all seemed to have giant natural stone fireplaces, as if they too were carved from the mountain. Bucky wouldn't put it past Stark though if that were true. Each bedroom had a king sized bed, a reading chair and bookshelf and some kind of bearskin rug and various game hanging upon the walls. "Does Stark hunt?" Bucky asked.

"Dunno. Probably. Rich people do that stuff," Steve said as he walked back out into the main room. Logs were used as beams up in the ceiling and they all conjoined in the middle like a dream catcher. There was a giant fireplace nestled in the center of the room. It was as tall as Bucky. A buffalo's head was hung above it. There was a Christmas hat on the buffalo. Bucky guessed this place was typically used around Christmas.

"I wonder if we can light that," Bucky said going over the fireplace. He poked his head under the flue shoot, looking up. "This thing's massive." His voice echoed into the dark shaft.

"There's a switch here. Gas fireplaces are at the top of useful inventions of the 21st century," Steve said pointing to the switch. Bucky backed out of the fireplace and sat on the brown, leather couch. He rested his head up against a plaid pillow. He watched Steve turn the fireplace on. Instantly he was greeted with crackling wood sounds and the smell of campfires.

"This place is gorgeous," Bucky said. "I could never have dreamed of living in such a place."

"And Stark has more of these houses just…lying around," Steve laughed. He joined Bucky on the couch, placing his feet up on the ottoman between the couch and the fireplace.

Bucky looked up, seeing a large ceiling window. "Hey, turn the rest of the lights off."

Steve stood up and turned the iron chandelier off so the only light was from the fire.

"Look up," Bucky said. They both looked up at the large ceiling window that now glittered with shimmering stars and darkened clouds. "Why didn't we have this back when we were kids? Imagine the pillow forts."

"You remember those?" Steve asked as he sat back on the couch, still looking up at the window.

"I think so? Your mom had a green couch right?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah, it was hideous, but it made for some great forts." Steve smiled warmly. His features were more defined by the shadows the fire cast. Bucky wanted to reach out…

"I wish all my memories just kind of…came back like that one. Not like the _other_ one."

"Sam thinks you've got PTSD."

"What the hell's that?" Bucky countered.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Basically means you've experienced something so traumatic that sometimes stuff can trigger you to feeling like you're still experiencing it. Though…that's it explained in very simple terms."

"So it means each time I see mountains that I'm going to freak out and think I'm falling again?"

"I don't know. You'd have to ask Sam," Steve said, his brow furrowing. "But I think you can get through it."

"Again with the optimism."

"Why're you so pessimistic?" Steve countered, cocking his head to the side. Bucky turned to face Steve on the couch. He propped his feet up on Steve's lap and secretly rejoiced when the other didn't even look at his feet.

"Wouldn't you be if your friend thought you'd died nearly seventy years ago? Forgot who you were and basically used as a weapon…sometimes a plaything?"

"Plaything?" Steve's eyes rounded. Bucky wanted to recoil, but he enjoyed having his feet propped on Steve's lap…so he simply crossed his arms.

"Yeah…" Bucky drawled. "Sometimes I was told to shot someone, other times I was told to let someone fuck me."

"Bucky…"

"No don't let's not talk about it," Bucky interrupted, waving a hand in dismissal. "It's over and done and I don't wanna think about it anymore."

They fell into a silence. Steve rested his head back, looking up at the window again. Bucky could see he was breathing heavier. Was Steve upset? Was it because of what happened to Bucky or was it because Bucky had let it happen? He wasn't sure… He only had these small pieces of memories now, some small, and some large. He didn't know how Steve would react. He'd forgotten that so long ago.

"Hey you two," Banner said, breaking the silence. "Stark's having his chef make rack of lamb. Want any? It's a chef…so. It's probably really delicious."

"Yeah, we'll be down for it. When?" Steve asked, looking over his shoulder at Banner.

"Probably about an hour."

Luckily, Banner was smart, and he knew more than most around here. He looked from Bucky to Steve and decided to just turn and leave. Bucky was semi-grateful. The only part that wasn't entirely pleased was the part that had to ask the next question.

"You doing alright?"

Steve's gaze instantly snapped to Bucky. His jaw was tense but his eyes weren't angry, maybe a bit distressed. "I just want you to know, that you don't have to ever endure that kind of pain again."

"I know. I've got this little guy looking after me now."

"Little guy huh? We're back to that?"

Bucky smiled, biting his lower lip.

"I almost liked it better when you weren't getting all your memories back."

"They're not all there yet. I'm sure you've got some embarrassing stories I've yet to get back. Savor those moments, cause I'll come at you with them."

"Oh ha, ha," Steve said, throwing his pillow at Bucky's face. The two erupted into laughter as they decided to take turns hitting each other with the pillow. Neither one ever deciding to keep a hold of it. Was this flirting? Was this what people did when they loved…liked each other? Or was this a best friend interacting with his reunited best friend? Bucky wanted to know so badly…

He stood up; the pillow was in his possession again.

"We're going to play it like this huh?" Steve said, standing up, grabbing a pillow of his own. "I don't have my shield so take it easy on me."

"Oh please."

They wailed on each other, but soon their pillow fight turned into a pretend wrestling match. Steve had managed to use his pillow to hit Bucky in the back of the knee, sending the man falling. Steve straddled Bucky from behind, attempting to pin his legs with his own and went to grab his arms. Bucky countered, using his bionic arm to move inhumanly quick, grabbing Steve's shirt and pulling him over Bucky's head. The other man crashed onto the floor laughing.

Bucky quickly jumped up, but before he could pin Steve, Stark, Sam and Banner raced upstairs. The lights were turned on and instantly, Bucky recoiled.

"What the fuck's going on up here?" Sam asked.

"You break my shit? If you break my shit I'll kill you," Stark said.

"Relax, we were just wrestling," Steve said, standing up slowly, massaging the back of his neck. Bucky wondered if he'd been too rough with that throw…

"You okay?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah, just landed funny," Steve said. "So you all can go relax. We'll stop."

"You nearly scared the crap out of Francis. Francis isn't easily startled," Stark said, his brown eyes darting to look from Steve to Bucky. "Francis cooks for me. He's used to weird shit happening around him."

"Sorry," Steve said.

Stark pointed, like he was giving an unspoken threat to the pair of men before starting to walk backwards, then finally turned to go back downstairs.

Steve started laughing. Bucky stared at him in bewilderment. "What's so funny?"

"Stark. He pretends to be such a jackass but he's probably one of the most concerned people I know. He's been really worried about you."

"Really?"

"After he and Banner started taking all the failsafes out, yeah. He keeps asking me about how you're doing."

"Why doesn't he just ask me?" Bucky asked, picking up the pillows and putting them back on the couch.

"Because he's Stark. He doesn't ever do anything logically."

Bucky sat in front of the fire, staring at the flames as they licked the darkening wood. "Maybe he's afraid to? Sometimes communicating our feelings can be rough."

Steve leaned against the wall, Bucky could feel his gaze upon his back. "Sometimes it's nice to know you're cared about though," Steve countered. "I'm going downstairs. Gunna come?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. I just need a moment." Bucky heard Steve's footsteps get softer and softer. Sometimes it was nice to know you were cared about huh? Did that mean Steve knew, but didn't want to say anything in case he was misinterpreting Bucky? Bucky closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of the burning wood. This whole thing was so convoluted.

* * *

Bucky had joined everyone at the dining room table. He fingered the unfinished logs that were used to make the legs of the table, looking at the soft polished top that seemed to look like a slab of a full tree, Bucky could count the rings. He stiffened slightly when someone placed a plate in front of him, but he calmed once he saw it was the server with the dinner. He watched as everyone was served their food. Stark casually thanked the servers and began to dig into his plate. The meal smelled delicious but Bucky wasn't feeling particularly hungry.

He pulled at the lamb ribs on his plate, peeling the meat from bone. He idly kept doing this as he watched Steve at the other end of the table speaking softly to Sam. It looked like a conversation they didn't want anyone to know. It irked Bucky. Were they not best friends? Shouldn't Steve tell him everything? Why did he suddenly care so much? Before he couldn't do enough to keep Steve at bay and now he was like a kitten trying to paw his master to let him sit in his lap. He flicked the meat he'd pulled off the bone into the baked potato.

"Don't tell me…you've suddenly become a vegetarian and are trying to make a political statement by showing how dead lamb pollutes potatoes?" Stark asked as he leaned over to Bucky.

Bucky allowed a small hint of a smile to show. "I'm just not as hungry as I thought I was."

"Take a bite. You'll get hungry."

Banner looked at him from across Stark, his brow creased and his gaze completely fixed. "You're arm's bugging you isn't it? Let's talk later about it?"

Bucky knew what Banner was doing. In present company, he was lying so they heard something that didn't concern them terribly, but to Bucky, he knew exactly what Banner was saying.

"Y-yeah. After dinner?" Bucky asked.

"Certainly. Anything for my favorite patient." Banner winked at Bucky before taking another bite of his potato.

Bucky forced a mouthful of meat into his mouth, chewing slowly. It was delicious, but he had to fight himself to swallow. "I'm sorry, I'm just not hungry. Tell Francis it's really good though." Bucky got up from the table and hurried away. He wanted to explore the rest of the house but he didn't want to go alone, so he simply went back to where he'd been with Steve and waited for Banner to follow.

Bucky had lit the fireplace once more and sat directly in front of the flames, his gaze fixated. He had heard Banner's footsteps but he didn't turn nor greet his friend. Friend? Were they friends? Yes. They had to be at this point. He hadn't known him but for a couple of days, but Bucky would consider Banner as a friend.

"Wanna tell me what happened?" Banner asked as he sat next to Bucky, leaning against the ottoman so his feet could stretch out toward the fire.

"It was nice. We were just talking and then got to throwing the pillows at each other and then the wrestling. It wasn't awkward or complicated. It was so easy."

"Like you'd done it before?"

"Yeah…" Bucky drawled. "Something like that." He stretched his legs out, letting his toes warm up near the fire. "I wanted to tell him so badly… Or show him."

"Do you think he'd honestly stop being your friend if he didn't feel the same?" Banner asked.

"I don't know. I don't…know him. I mean, I do. I know I know him but I don't know all of him. I don't know. This shit's so complicated I can't even explain it."

Banner laughed. "Ain't that the truth." He paused for a moment, seemingly to find the next words to say. "I think you should tell him."

"Really Doc? Again with that?"

Banner raised up his hands in mock protest. "Hey! I'm not saying it'll be easy! I just think you've gotten comfortable enough to know he's not going to leave you, even if he doesn't return the feelings you've got for him."

"…Do you think he might though?" Bucky asked softly, almost like a child.

Banner pursed his lips, shrugging. "I can't tell with him. Though I know he hasn't had a date since Peggy Carter. Do you remember her?"

Bucky scrunched up his lips in thought. "She had brown hair right? Big brown eyes."

"That'd be the one. Good job."

Bucky couldn't really recall her face. It was more like his tongue knew how to describe her verses his mind actually recalling her. Like a ghost speaking for him… "I don't even know what to begin to say."

"Start with, "Hey Steve…" Banner nodded, seemingly pleased with his smart ass remark. "You'll know when the time's right to tell him. You'll feel it. And if I'm being honest, I think this place has some kind of romantic vibe to it. So use it." Banner stood up, groaning as he stretched. "This is the calm before the storm, Bucky. Hydra isn't going to just sit around. Natasha's out there trying to find Barton. Sam and Steve are thinking about heading that way too…"

"Wait what?" Bucky interrupted.

"That's what they were talking about during dinner."

Bucky's heart squeezed. He couldn't imagine Steve leaving him. The thought that Bucky couldn't be there to help almost paralyzed him with agony. "He needs to stay."

"He also needs to help his friends," Banner said, shrugging. "Me and Stark were going to stay with you."

"How long?"

"Till they find Barton. They're not sure, but they think Hydra has something to do with this."

"Shit…" Bucky lied back, roughly, as he slammed the back of his skull on the wooden floor, but he didn't even wince. The pain subsided fairly quickly, dulling to a steady thrumming in the back of his head.

"Talk to him…" With that, Banner walked out of the room. Bucky could hear his footsteps as he jogged down the stairs.

As if talking to Steve about this was going to be so easy… He softly continued to hit his head against the floor as he stared up at the dream catcher design of the above logs. He hit his head against the wood one last time before he felt he couldn't endure it anymore. "Fuck me, this sucks," he said into the air.


	7. Chapter 7

Oh, another update! I've been working on a Captain America cosplay, so it's def gotten me back into the mood to write about these two! I really enjoyed this chapter. I also really enjoy mountain settings and hot tubs ;)

* * *

"What're you doing?" Steve's voice called into the sitting room.

Of course he'd decide to show up at the most inopportune moment. Bucky hadn't even had a chance to think of all that Banner said and here was the whole issue, padding up the steps, calling out to Bucky before the man even reached the other.

Jesus… Bucky wished he had a memory wipe right now.

"I just wasn't hungry," Bucky said, his gaze still fixed on the flames of the large fireplace.

Steve sat down next to Bucky; their shoulders were touching. The warmth Bucky felt was indescribable. His anger subsided, his worries seeped into the back of his head. He was present with the object of his fixation, whether it was because of a lingering ghost of a man before, or because he remembered enough of how that previous man felt about the man before him to consider this a present love.

"I was talking to Sam and-"

"You're leaving. I know. Dr. Banner told me."

Steve's head twitched, like he was astonished that Banner would get up here so fast just to explain that. "Is it okay?"

"You're asking my permission?" Bucky shot back. He knew his tone was borderline irritated, but he couldn't help it. It upset him that Steve was thinking of leaving for awhile.

"Well, yeah. I won't leave if you really need me."

Bucky lay his head back against the ottoman. He could feel one of the buttons on it as balanced part of his skull. It wasn't uncomfortable; just noticeable. "I don't know Steve…" Bucky sighed, leaving forward now, placing his face in his hands. He felt exhausted. "I'm scared. Confused. Irritated. Highly bi-polar and…I don't know."

"If you need me to stay, I'll stay. Stark'll go in my place. Probably best that he and Sam go anyway. Both can fly."

Well that was handy… Bucky wish he could fly away right about now. "So you've already planned that I wouldn't want you to go? So there's your answer then. You made it for yourself."

"Why're you so difficult? One second you're here and we're talking like we used to and then another you're like…this." Steve gestured with his hands over at Bucky's body.

Bucky smirked, however, inside he felt like crying. "Guess that's just part of _my_ charm. I'm getting a headache. Can we not do this?"

"Not do what, Buck?"

Bucky finally looked over at Steve. The man's brow was knit together and his jaw was clenched. "I don't wanna argue with you. I don't know why I'm the way I am. I just…am."

Steve relaxed, much to Bucky's pleasure. The blonde sighed, fidgeting with his shoes. "Yeah…you're right. I'm sorry, Bucky. I'm just…" Steve laid back against the ottoman now. "I'm worried for Natasha. Barton hasn't checked in with her for weeks. She's out there by herself against Hydra, whatever's going on with Barton and God knows what else."

Bucky leaned back against the ottoman too, turning to look at Steve's angular face. He liked how the shadows danced against his cheekbones as the fire continued its flickering against the wood. "I'm making this a lot more difficult for you, aren't I?"

"Don't worry about it. I'd rather have you like this than not have you at all."

Bucky felt his heart clench. "Do I really mean that much to you?" He was fishing; trying to get any input from the other whatsoever. Maybe this was a good lead in to that….other conversation.

"You're my best pal, Bucky. Of course you mean that much to me."

Best pal, huh? Discouraged, Bucky leaned forward, stretching out his shoulder muscles. "Is there a bathtub here? I'd like to soak for a bit."

"There's a hot tub in the basement. It's really sweet."

"Join me?" Bucky heard himself say before he even had a chance to evaluate the words.

"Sure. I'll find us some swim trunks." Steve stood up, stretching his arms up to the sky and yawning. "Wait, can your arm get wet?"

Bucky laughed. "I've had showers since being with you all. It's waterproof."

"Oh, neat." Steve started for the staircase with Bucky right behind. Bucky watched his shoulder blades through the fabric of his shirt. Did Steve know how beautiful he'd become? He'd always been beautiful, small and scrawny. It was the eyes that drew Bucky to him first.

Wait…

Bucky's eyes widened, and his steps fell silent as he froze. He dropped his mouth, staring now at the end of the hall. He'd remembered… He'd…remembered. Steve's ocean blue eyes...are what Bucky had always liked the most...

* * *

The hot tub was located on the lower level's porch. It looked like at least ten people could fit comfortably. There was a little light in the middle that kept changing colors softly, each blending from one to the next. The exterior was the same mountain that enveloped the house. Bucky guessed it was a custom piece. He stood there awkwardly, watching Steve casually hop into the hot tub, moving to turn on the bubbles and jets.

Bucky watched the muscles of Steve's back flinch and relax as the man adjusted to the heat of the water. Steve turned to Bucky, his bare chest exposed like the cascade of a mountain side. Each angle was enhanced by the shadows cast by the colors, blue, green, now purple, pink…

"You coming? Or are you afraid of a little water?" Steve joked, splashing some of the water out at Bucky.

Bucky smiled, feeling his shoulders relax. "I'm not scared of water."

"I'd hope not, considering you saved me from it once…" Steve said, sitting in a corner.

Bucky swung one leg over the side, wincing at how hot the water was as it playfully bit at his toes and ankle. "Fuck that's hot." He swung the other leg in and stepped forward, the water now searing comfortably around his thighs. "I put you in that water in the first place though…"

Steve rested his head back against a plush cushion. "You didn't know any better."

"No…at that point I think I knew I knew you. After you'd sat there and continuously explained you knew me." Bucky waded across from Steve. Even with their legs stretched out, their toes could barely touch, but if Bucky scooted down a bit he could probably graze Steve's, though he wasn't going to attempt that right now. "It was like… each time I punched you I just got this feeling."

Steve cocked a solo eyebrow.

"Okay…so…don't think this is weird, cause, it's probably weird but fuck it." Bucky laughed nervously. "Each time I touch you, it's like my body remembers you, even if my mind doesn't."

Steve's brows shot up as his face rounded out in astonishment. "Really?"

Bucky felt like drowning himself now. He scooted down, feeling his feet brush against Steve's. Shit…

Steve scooted to the front of his seat he'd been nestled in, he outstretched his arms, his palms were toward the sky. "Touch my hands."

Bucky now cocked a single eyebrow.

"Seriously, touch them!" Steve laughed.

Begrudgingly, Bucky moved forward, placing his hands atop Steve's. The water occasionally swayed so that Bucky's fingers could graze against Steve's rough palms. He could feel the small jolts, like electricity shooting down from the nerves in his hands to his elbows before it subsided.

"What do you feel?" Steve asked, seriously.

Bucky closed his eyes, thinking hard. "I feel…" He pulled his hands back, falling back into the seat carved into the hot tub. "It's hard to explain."

Steve moved forward, he was on his knees as he scooted right in front of Bucky. "No seriously, I'm really curious." He outstretched his hands again.

Bucky rolled his eyes, but obliged. Their hands met once again. Bucky felt a strange warmth down in the pit of his stomach, but it was enjoyable. "I get more relaxed. Like my body recognizes you and knows I can trust you."

"Anything else?" Steve asked.

"No," Bucky drawled. "It's more of feelings versus actual memories. Like when I was punching you, I could feel I'd seen your face so many times before."

"So it kind of depends on where?"

Bucky laughed. "I don't know." He recoiled his hands once again.

"Touch my face."

Bucky laughed harder. "Serious?"

"I'm dead serious! I'm curious!" Steve said with a smile. Bucky wanted to kiss those cheek bones as Steve smiled.

"You're insane," Bucky said, but he reached up and held the sides of Steve's face. His fingers tingled, like they were falling asleep, but the feeling wasn't painful, it was almost pleasurable. "It's the same. I just know I've seen your face, skinny and short, tall and muscular. I know I've shared a life with you. I just can't see the individual memories."

"Muscle memory's different from the mind's memory," Steve said.

Bucky moved his thumbs against Steve's face, following the man's cheek bone under his eye. "Yeah, I guess." Bucky could feel a pressure at the back of his neck, like someone was pushing him. He moved in, just an inch before recoiling altogether, bringing his knees up to his chin as he wrapped his arms protectively around them.

"Woah, you okay?" Steve said, moving closer, placing a hand on Bucky's wet shoulder. The motion splashed a lot of water out of the hot tub. Bucky heard it's crashing sound, like glass.

"It's…" Bucky closed his eyes. He just wanted to go under the water and never come back up. "This is really…trying on me."

"What is?" Steve asked, moving so that he sat next to Bucky. He wrapped an arm around the other.

Bucky fought the urge to lay his head back. "Do you really not have the slightest clue?"

"Uh, getting your memories back?"

"No!" Bucky shouted. He was exhausted. This dance he and Steve had been doing since they met again… It was all so tiring! "I often space out when looking at you. I _touch_ you and I get these little jolts of energy that run down my nerves! How does none of this…" He stopped abruptly, watching Steve's eyes carefully as he could see the light bulb hadn't gone off in the blonde's head yet. "You know what…never mind."

"Bucky…"

"N-no, Steve. Let's just stop. I wanna get out." He tried to stand up but Steve's arm held him down.

"I didn't know you knew again!"

"Knew what?" Bucky hissed.

Steve released his grip, wading to the front of Bucky now. Steve's face was distressed. He lightly dug his top teeth into his bottom lip as he looked from side to side. It was strange to Bucky. He hadn't seen Steve like this yet, at least that he could remember. "Maybe you don't remember," Steve mumbled.

"Remember what?" Bucky shouted. "Just fucking tell me! Cause I can't do this anymore!"

Steve recoiled.

Bucky was exasperated. He huffed, mostly angry at himself. He slumped down, so the water covered his chin. His hair floated around his face, tickling his neck and shoulders.

"I don't want to ruin your memory process though," Steve said softly, he caressed the water softly with the tips of his fingers, back and forth in front of him.

"Okay," Bucky whispered. His stomach felt like it was in at least fifteen different knots; maybe his intestines joined the party too.

Steve backed up, sloshing water over the edges of the hot tub as he found his way back into his seat. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make this weird."

"You're fine. You're just trying to let me figure this out all on my own."

Steve's face brightened. "Yeah! Trust me, when it hits you again ,you'll know it."

Bucky smirked, nodding in acceptance. He wanted to ask… He wanted to say thing about what he'd been feeling since day one, but he was so tired. Tired of this game, this…dance. He just wanted to relax and go to sleep. "I'm getting out," Bucky said, standing up, feeling the bite of the cold air against his warmed skin.

"When you go back inside there's a room to your left where you can get into warm pajamas. The heated towel rack is right there tough," Steve said as he pointed to the towel rack next to the double doors that led back inside.

"Thanks." Bucky grabbed a towel, enjoying its warmth. He felt heavy. He drug himself inside, his feet protesting with each step. Steve was alone out there now. Probably a bit dejected. Bucky had a good idea of what Steve was trying to say. It was why he didn't flinch when Bucky ran his thumb over his cheek bones.

Steve had to have loved him too…

* * *

Stark, Sam and Banner were on the main floor; all sipping what looked to be coffee. Stark had a jug of Bailey's Irish Cream next to him though. Bucky smirked. He padded, barefoot into the room with the towel he'd used to dry himself off draped around his shoulders.

"Go for a swim, Tiger?" Stark asked.

"Just the hot tub. There's a pool too?"

"Yep. It's in the room that looks like a cave."

"You're disgustingly too rich," Bucky responded, sitting on the couch, next to Banner.

Banner looked at him inquiringly but said nothing about Steve.

"I'm exhausted. Which bedroom do I use?" Bucky asked, rubbing his face with both his hands.

"The one next to Steve's. It's got the bed that's bed posts look like deer antlers," Stark responded. "Want a drink before bed? Help you sleep?"

"No thanks," Bucky responded. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to hit the mattress and pass out."

"You feeling okay? You do look a little pale," Banner said, reaching up to check Bucky's temperature.

"I was just in the hot tub. S'got me sleepy," Bucky responded, swatting Banner's hand away gently.

Banner eyed him momentarily, before relaxing from the subject.

Sam sat in one of the oversized arm chairs, he was curled up, his feet tucked under his bottom with his mug in his lap. He merely eyed Bucky warily.

"You have a problem with me?" Bucky spat.

"Bucky," Stark attempted to deflect.

"No, I wanna know. Do you have a problem with me?" Bucky asked, standing up.

Sam didn't react for a moment, before finally shaking his head no. "Nah man. It's just weird knowing you tried to kill me once…well…a few times. And now you're here. Something I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to."

Bucky could understand that. At least Sam was honest. He merely nodded and made toward the staircase. "Night," he called out.

He got murmured responses of "night" back.

He found his room, turning on the lamp that rested atop one of the dressers. The room was deer themed. The bed had the posts fashioned to look like deer antlers. There was a deer carved into the tall dresser. The smaller one next to the door had a meadow painted onto it, but it was made to look really old and the paint was chipped, most likely intentionally. There was a deer with her fawn painted in the middle. The rug was a deep forest green and felt soft and plush against Bucky's bare feet.

He crawled into the bed, hoping the switch behind the nightstand turned the light off near the door, smiling when it did. He lay there, staring up at the dark ceiling, his eyes slowly adjusting as the moon's rays slowly trickled into the room. Steve said once he remembered whatever it was that Steve was going to say…he'd know it. Was it this? Had it been a secret this entire time? Or had it always been out in the open? Bucky just wanted to know now… He was tired of his memories lazily floating in like they weren't important.

He sighed, turning on his side to look at the large windows at the front of the room. They overlooked fig trees in the front yard. Luckily there was no giant backdrop of mountains. Perhaps Stark had done that on purpose when selecting Bucky's room… Stark was a lot nicer than what he let on. Sure they'd gotten off to a bad start, but Bucky was sure they'd moved past that by now.

Someone knocked on the door. Bucky turned his head to look, "Come in," he said.

Steve opened the door a crack, just exposing his face and a bit of his shoulder. "I just wanted to say good night," Steve said.

"Night Steve," Bucky said, smiling softly.

Steve closed the door softly. Bucky listened to his footsteps and then the shuffles of someone getting ready for bed in the next room. He felt his eyelids grow heavy. Each moment became harder and harder to stay awake and listen to those sounds.

Before he knew it, he'd found himself in a deep, dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

So this is basically 2 chapters, but for this site's purposes it's just going to stay as one. Reason why I'm combining the two is...well you'll find out. X'D I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has been following this story from the beginning or just joining us now! It really means a lot hearing from you all and listening to your input.

Also, if you know of any good Stucky fics on Tumblr, here, that archive of our own place (that I can't sign up for because I can't get an invite) Let me know because I want to read them so badly! Or if you wrote one! Message me or tell me in the reviews :)

* * *

Bucky awoke to the sun shining directly into his window. He furrowed his brow, groaning as his eyes burned from the light. "Go away…" he mumbled, turning to face the other side of the room. He heard the sounds of water rushing through pipes, and the occasional laughter down a story. He figured his room was directly atop whoever was down there. The pipes went silent. Whoever was in the shower was out now.

Groaning again, he sat up, stretching out his arms. He scratched the back of his head vigorously before swinging his feet over the bed. He'd slept like a rock.

Without knowing the true layout of the excessively large cabin, Bucky meandered over to the bathroom door and opened it. Steve yelped, but relaxed when he saw Bucky. "Oh shit! Steve! I'm sorry! I didn't know we shared a bathroom!" Bucky ran back out of the room, hearing Steve laughing through the door.

"It's okay, Buck! I've got a towel on!"

Bucky was leaning against the door, his heart was pounding, like it was trying to come out his throat and his eyes were wide. He didn't exactly need this first thing before he even had a second to drink coffee. Did he like coffee? He assumed so, considering his mind was starting to remember a kind he liked. French roast, dark? He liked dark coffee!

Excited, he turned back around, pulling the door open to an again surprised Steve, but the man was sporting a goofy, crooked smile as he shaved his face.

"I like coffee!" Bucky announced.

"What?" Steve said, curling in his lips as he shaved under his nose.

"I like French dark roast! Black coffee!"

"You've remembered! Heck I'd even forgotten that!" Steve announced happily. Half his face was still covered in shaving cream, but he still ran over and gave Bucky a hug. Bucky's eyes rounded in surprise. Steve was still a bit clammy from being fresh out of the shower in a humid room, but he was warm. Bucky wrapped his arms around his friend, feeling his heart flutter. He stepped closer, pressing their bodies against each other. Steve didn't step back. Bucky felt his stomach flip as it nervously didn't know what to do next. So he released the hug.

Steve ruffled Bucky's hair before going back in front of the large mirror. There were smaller, treated logs that lined the top and bottom of it, making it look more like a window than a mirror. Bucky leaned against the wall, tracing the bears on the wallpaper. "So…wanna get coffee with me sometime?"

Steve chuckled. "It'll sure beat last time. I had no idea what to get you."

"Did we ever used to go get coffee together?"

Steve splashed water on his face, rinsing off the rest of the shaving cream that he'd missed when shaving. "Yeah. There was this coffee shop down by your house. We'd go there after school and try to flirt with the cashier girl. You got her number though."

"I did?" Bucky responded with a cheeky grin.

Steve rolled his eyes. "You were ever the charmer." He toweled dry his face before slipping the small towel back onto its rack shaped like a bear's paw. "You need the shower? I'm stepping out."

"Yeah, sure. Also…can I get a haircut?"

Steve laughed. "Just was I was getting used to your new do. Yeah, I'm sure Jarvis can give you one."

"Jarvis is the….computer thing right?" Bucky asked.

On cue, Jarvis spoke, "Yes sir, though I prefer to be called an AI or artificial intelligence, if we're speaking plainly."

Steve started to giggle. "Thanks, Jarvis," he said into the room.

"Where did that even come from?" Bucky asked looking around.

"Jarvis is kind of everywhere in anything that Stark builds. I'll see you downstairs. Maybe we can go on a walk today?"

Bucky's heart skipped a beat. "Y-yeah. That'd be nice."

Steve responded with a nod and a smile before closing the door behind him, back into his room.

Bucky stood there for a moment, blinking as he reviewed the recent interactions. It was a lot…calmer now. Bucky didn't always feel like he needed to be angry, or shove Steve away. He embraced that he wanted to be around the other, and it made him significantly happier. His memories were also coming back faster. Maybe the two coincided?

He turned the shower head on, watching it fall in the center of the large shower stall like a steady rainfall. Marble bears stood, roaring at each other on the frosted glass of the shower. Stark really liked to play up the mountain feel around here. Bucky hopped into the shower, enjoying the cascading, warm water that slid down his front and back, feeling the water find each crevice and angle on his body and washing away whatever misery, doubt or literal dirt that was present. As he began to lather up his hair, thoughts of the previous night trickled into his mind. Steve had looked so despondent and nervous even. Whatever he wanted to say had been right on the tip of his tongue but he just couldn't bring himself to say it. Rather, he wouldn't say it in fear of messing up Bucky's memories somehow.

Bucky stood in the shower, staring at the green, glass tiles that were displayed in the soap bar shelving. This morning had been so casual and lighthearted that it was almost astonishing, considering last night had ended a little….aggressively. Or rather, Bucky was just so desperate to say or do something, but he couldn't ever find the courage and when Steve said those things…he just wanted to keep prying.

Sighing, Bucky grabbed the conditioner and decided to just get on with the day.

* * *

Bucky jogged down the stairs, hearing the murmurs of words begin to form into actual sentences and English vocabulary as he got closer. Banner was next to the oven, flipping over what looked to be an omelet. Stark was sitting at the table on his tablet; his glasses were balanced on the tip of his nose. He looked up, gave Bucky a slight nod and went back to whatever he was working on. Sam was in the corner with Steve, his arms crossed. He gave a solemn nod to Bucky. Steve of course smiled.

"Whatcha want for breakfast?" Banner asked.

Bucky walked over to him, looking at all the ingredients. "I'm not really sure," he mused.

"He'll have an egg, bacon, onion and cheese omelet with no milk added and pepper only, no salt," Steve responded. "I forgot your coffee choice, but I could never forget your favorite omelet."

"Oh bacon? Man after my own heart," Stark joked. "So I've got an update from Natasha. She's been a busy lady…"

Steve walked over to Stark, his face stern with his mouth pressed into a hard line and his brow creased. "And?"

"Well, surprise! Agent Coulson is actually alive. We're going to have a chat with Fury about _that_ one day…" Stark spoke evenly. Bucky had no idea who Coulson was, so the fact that he was alive didn't faze him. "Barton's alive, she's sure of that, but he's apparently been with Coulson doing something or other."

"So no Hydra?" Steve asked as he was handed a glass of orange juice by Sam.

"Nada. They've been suspiciously quiet since we got Bucky off the streets."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Bucky asked.

Banner scoffed, but it wasn't meant to be rude. "When an organization like that goes dark, there's a huge issue…"

Steve nodded. "Yeah, I'd rather have them active and see what they're doing then be left in the dark about it."

"So what does this mean about Black Widow?" Bucky asked.

"Means she's probably going to come back with Coulson and Barton sooner or later."

"I can't believe he's alive," Steve said.

"Whose Coulson?" Sam asked, grabbing a piece of bacon off the pan. Banner smacked his hand with the spatula but he was quicker and got the bacon anyway. "Ouch!"

"Coulson was a big pain in my ass, but I found him rather endearing. Nice guy. Little weird," Stark prattled off.

"He was a friend. We thought he was killed in action," Steve answered. "You've heard of Thor and Loki right?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, Loki sounded like buckets of fun," he said sarcastically.

Steve chuckled. "Definitely. We thought Coulson was killed by Loki."

Bucky stood by Banner, listening to names he'd never heard and watching reactions to the name "Loki," tense the entire room.

"Loki makes the Winter Soldier look like a soft, friendly kitten," Stark said, eyeing Bucky over his glasses.

Bucky merely furrowed his brow.

"Bucky's not the Winter Soldier anymore. He's just Bucky," Steve defended.

"Bacon, egg, onion, and cheese omelet with pepper, sans milk and salt," Banner said, changing the subject as he handed Bucky his plate. "Gave you an extra side of bacon too."

"I didn't get an extra side of bacon," Sam chimed in.

"You didn't get to be Hydra's bitch for over seventy years," Banner responded, with a coy smile.

"Rude, Bruce. Rude," Sam said.

Bucky smiled, going over to Sam and offering him some bacon. It was kind of peace treaty, considering as Sam pointed out, Bucky had tried to kill him several times. Sam took the bacon and chomped down on it. "Thanks, man."

"Does Natasha need backup still?" Steve asked.

Tony removed his glasses, cleaning them off with some fabric he'd had in his breast pocket. "I'm going," he finally said. "You need to take care of Bucky anyway and I have some things I want to talk to Coulson about."

Steve nodded, his face still discontent.

Bucky couldn't suppress his feelings of relief. Steve had implemented a backup plan for Stark to go in his place, but Steve never had to ask, Tony had taken that step himself. Bucky wondered if it was because Stark knew? Or maybe this Coulson person was just that important to him?

"So, I'll give you all a key to this place. There's a nice town about a couple miles down the mountain. Small, but it's got a lot of neat shops."

"Are we in Gatlinburg, Tenessee?" Sam abruptly asked. "I saw the purple mountains this morning on my jog…"

"Look at you being all well traveled," Stark said. "Yep. Hiding in plain sight is typically the best option."

"Shit," Sam shook his head laughing. "I say we go down there and enjoy it!"

"What's so special about it?" Steve asked.

"Man, it's this town where backwater hillbillies are cool and there're a lot of tourist attractions. It's pretty fun actually. If you don't mind it being a little cheesy," Sam said.

"I'm in," Bucky said.

"I'll stay here if you don't mind. I'm not a fan of crowds," Banner said.

"Great," Stark said. "So keys all around, I've got a vehicle in the garage for you to use. Jarvis drives it, so I don't have to worry about any of you schmucks getting lost in the mountains or falling off the mountains…" He looked to Bucky. "Enjoy your all expenses paid vacation, brought to you by Stark Industries." He stood up, making his way toward the lower level. "I'll see you when I bring Natasha, Barton and Coulson back."

"Be safe!" Banner called as he washed up the dishes. "Same goes to you three as well. Wear hats please and lay low," he lectured.

"Yes, mom," Sam said as he skipped toward the staircase. Steve also went upstairs, leaving just Banner and Bucky in the kitchen.

"So…" Banner drawled out. He looked up at Bucky, pausing for effect. "You talk to him? He seems happier today. You seem happier today."

"I haven't talked yet, but… I think I'm getting somewhere." Bucky shrugged.

"How so?" Banner dried off a plate and put it in the cupboard.

"Just little things. Last night I told him I remember feelings about him when I touch him. So he let me touch his hands and face," Bucky said, watching the staircase in the event Sam or Steve came down.

"That's a good sign. Touching a face is about as intimate as you can get outside of sexual intercourse," Banner said casually, putting away another dried plate. "Care to dry these as I wash them? It'll go by faster."

"Sure," Bucky said. Banner handed him a glass and a towel to dry the dishes off with. "So…he also said something kind of…weird," Bucky said, focusing on the cup in his hands as he dried it.

"Which was?"

"He started talking about something and said he couldn't just tell me, but I'd know when I remembered." Bucky scrunched up his face, placing the glass in the cabinets. "I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking it." He checked over his shoulder at the stairs.

"Well, what else did he say?"

"Said he didn't know I knew, but then said maybe I didn't know…then didn't want to tell me what it was." Bucky placed another glass in the cabinets.

Banner made a grunting noise. "Try to hold his hand. See what happens…" He said through a wolfish grin.

"You dog!" Bucky exclaimed playfully punching Banner's shoulder. "You're the worst doctor on the planet!"

"Just do it casually, maybe even act like it was an accident, but if he holds your hand, just…go with it?"

"How can you be so confident in all this?" Bucky asked, putting a plate away.

"Because I'm seeing both sides. You're talking to me, and he's talking to me. Being a doctor has it's pluses."

Bucky froze, his eyes going wide. "Steve's talking to you too?!"

"Patient-doctor confidentiality. I'm not saying anything."

"You're a little shit. I hope you know that," Bucky said through a deadpan glare.

Banner laughed softly. "I know, it keeps me up late at night. Go get some shoes on. Stark had a whole wardrobe ready for you when you got here. Maybe put on a sweater? It's chilly outside."

"Jesus, you really are just like a mom," Bucky said as he walked out of the kitchen and upstairs.

He passed Steve's door, seeing the man inside putting on a jacket, looking at the mirror in his room. "Stark get that for you?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah. Knew I didn't have time to get my old leather jacket," Steve said zipping it up and then unzipping. "Looks good right?"

"You look great," Bucky said, leaning his head against the door. He looked at Steve's blue jeans, his gaze drank in how Steve's thighs were just slightly defined by the pants and how his butt was defined loosely, but enough to show that he had a nice ass.

"Bucky?" Steve asked, waving a hand at him.

"Oh, I was just looking at your room. It's rather…" He fought for a word to say, trying desperately to not get caught. "Like a hunter lives here…"

"The rhino head's a bit much isn't it?" Steve asked, looking up at the rhino head in the middle of the room, just above the bed. "Kind of creeps me out."

"Did Stark kill it?" Bucky asked.

"Don't know. Ask him when he gets back, but go get ready. Sam's probably already waiting for us downstairs."

Bucky nodded and scooted out the door, his cheeks heating up as embarrassment finally set in. Steve caught him looking! He had to of! Bucky closed his door behind him, sliding down it and crumpling into a gangly mess on the floor. He ran a hand through his hair, mentally berating himself for his eyes' betrayal.

Sighing, he stood back up, using the door as a support so he could just slide right back up. He grabbed a blue baseball cap and started to shuffle through the drawers of the tall dresser, looking for a sweater. He finally found a light cream sweater and slung it over his head, pushing his arms into it. He'd already gotten his jeans and undershirt on after his shower. He went over to the trunk at the foot of the bed, opening it to find several different pairs of shoes. He opted for the Nike's and didn't bother putting on any socks. Socks bothered him for some reason. He wasn't too sure why yet, but he figured he'd find out when that memory decided to come back.

Walking back downstairs, he saw Sam, sporting a black leather jacket and a white shirt with a beanie, and Steve in a red flannel with his brown leather jacket. "Everyone likes leather around here, don't they?" Bucky joked.

"Comes with being a superhero. Leather pants and all that, or spandex," Banner shrugged as he sat on the couch, reading the newspaper.

"Or green," Sam joked. "I hear green's a favorite among a specific Avenger."

"Watch it, you won't like me when I'm angry," Banner said through a smile.

"Ready?" Steve asked.

Sam stood up, clapping his hands together as he walked toward the side door in the kitchen that led to the garage.

"Hold on a sec!" Banner said as he jumped up, going over to the fireplace and grabbing a wallet. "Stark said use this. He also gave no dollar amount, so please try to drain him of his income."

Steve took the wallet and placed it in his back pocket.

"It's also got pseudo ID's in case you decide to go out drinking," Banner continued.

"Awesome!" Sam said. "Stark's gunna be my new best friend, watch yourself Rogers!" He playfully hit the guy with the back of his hand.

"Oh I'm so threatened," Steve joked. "Let's go."

* * *

Bucky had clung to his seat for dear life as the SUV drove down the mountain side. The curves were sharp and the hills were steep, but the SUV, with Jarvis at the helm, managed to get to a parking area safe and sound. The three had piled out and made their way along one of the roads behind the main strip. "Where to first?" Sam asked as he looked over a map of the town. "There's some little mom and pop shops here, a few restaurants, oh the aquarium!"

"That sounds fun," Steve said as they kept walking. "What do you think, Buck?"

Bucky shrugged. "I just wanna see it. I've not been able to just…do this since I can remember."

"Well, we can just go down the main strip and hit whatever strikes our fancy, go to one of the restaurants around lunch, hit the aquarium after and then maybe make our way to a few of the other Ripley's attractions?" Sam offered.

"Sounds good," Steve said as they rounded the corner, seeing the town. Bucky's lips parted in awe as he looked at the crowds of families and couples along the paths. Cars saturated the streets as the lights changed from red to green and pedestrians walked along crosswalks. The purple mountains rolled lazily behind the town as a backdrop. A few hotels were down here and a huge creek flowed loudly under a bridge through the town.

"Wow," Bucky said, feeling slightly impressed. "I like it."

"Shall we, gents?" Sam asked as he made his way along the sidewalk.

Their first stop was an outdoors shop. When they walked in, there was a huge display of bears near a waterfall with an assortment of other animals joining them. Bucky nodded in approval. It was certainly charming. Maybe this was why Stark stuck to his cheesy themes in the house. Sam dispersed but Steve stuck by Bucky as they slowly made their way through The Northface section. "Sleep well last night?" Steve asked.

Bucky was looking at a fleece, feeling its unusually soft texture. "Yeah. I was really exhausted."

"I'm sorry about last night," Steve said quietly. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Bucky looked up from the fleece. "You didn't startle me."

Steve shot a deadpanned look over at Bucky. "I saw your face, Bucky."

Bucky waved a hand in dismissal. "This whole, getting memories back and not having others just takes a toll on me. Don't worry about it."

Steve nodded, moving over to some trinkets on a table.

"You guys!" Sam shouted from the second floor on a bridge that connected one side of the store to the other. "Ya'll better come up here!"

They found their way up the store to the camping section and kayaks.

"These are on sale…" Sam said with a cheeky grin. "Banner said Stark's letting us use his card…"

"When're we going to have time to kayak?" Steve asked.

"Let's make time," Bucky said as he looked over the small boats. "I've never been. At least…I don't remember if I have…" He furrowed his brow in confusion over his own sentence.

Sam nodded in approval. "That's what I'm talking about!"

Steve rolled his eyes but didn't protest.

The three picked out their kayaks and were pleasantly surprised the lady at the cashier desk said they'd deliver the kayaks to their address. Luckily there was a card in the wallet that had the address and Stark's pseudo information for the woman to put in the order. "You'll have your kayaks no later than 5PM today," she said happily. Bucky was irritated that she kept touching her hair and swaying her torso back and forth, like she was trying to show off her breasts to Steve. She wouldn't take her eyes off him.

Luckily, Steve didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he didn't care. The three exited the store and continued along the strip. They passed a few t-shirt stores with hokey slogans and funny pictures on them. There were a few tie dye shops that would put whatever you wanted on the shirt, but Steve didn't like the idea so they'd kept moving along. They stopped in one store that featured Native American artwork.

As Bucky went down the aisles, looking at each piece, he felt someone behind him, like they were following. He'd turned around a few times but saw no one. He felt his shoulders tense as he balled up his gloved hands, still scanning the store for someone.

He continued down the aisle, now always checking the reflections in the paintings frames, but still saw no one.

Finally, he felt someone tug on his jacket, he turned around, ready to punch to see a child. The boy stood only up to his thighs. The little boy offered Bucky a card saying, "You dropped this."

Bucky slowly took the card, looking down to read it, but looking back up as the boy ran away, exiting the store. The card read, "Let's play a game."

Bucky bit the bottom of his lip. It wasn't the words on the card so much as the insignia imprinted in white. If Bucky hadn't been trained to look for clues, he'd have probably missed the small Hydra logo, hidden between the text.

"Yo, Bucky! We're leaving!" Sam called as he lingered in the doorway of the store. Bucky followed suit.

As they were walking along the street, they came to where the creek went under the town. "Oh hey look! They've got sky tram tours! Can we do that?" Sam asked enthusiastically.

"You're pretty peppy today," Steve joked.

"Dude, I'm on a free vacation paid for by Stark himself. Imma enjoy myself!"

Bucky didn't protest. He was too fixated on the card.

They made their way toward the trams, booking three tickets and waiting to get on the next tram. Bucky looked at Steve's hands. They were crossed over his chest. Bucky could tell Steve was watching out for anything suspicious. Did Steve notice the boy back at the art gallery? Bucky rocked back and forth on his feet. More and more people crowded into the line. Bucky looked at family units, couples, groups of friends and family or combinations of the aforementioned. What stuck out the most was that not all the couples were a man and a woman. There were a couple gay couples, and best of all, no one really seemed to care. Sure there were a few glances and some awkward stares but no one said anything. So it was okay? Bucky hadn't given it much thought since he'd just accepted the fact that he loved Steve.

"Bucky," Steve said grabbing the man's forearm. "We're next."

Bucky followed Steve into the tram. There was an announcer on the speakers followed by some instructions. Bucky was seated in between Sam and Steve. He inhaled deeply, realizing he was going up into the mountains for a "sky tour."

"You okay?" Steve asked.

"I don't want to freak out," he said. Bucky didn't want to talk about the card just yet either…

"If you start getting nervous, just close your eyes. I'm right beside you," Steve said. Bucky nodded, chewing his bottom lip. The tram started up and Bucky felt it sway gently as it lifted off the ground. He instantly tensed up, balling up his hands. "You're going to be okay," Steve whispered.

Bucky felt Sam fidget around in his seat, looking around as they got higher and higher from the ground. He just kept his eyes fixed on the floor, staring at his black Nike's. He looked over to Steve's lap. The man's hands were resting on each side of his thighs. Bucky could easily grab at Steve's hand…maybe even make it as if it were part of this panic attack, which he certainly was having… Maybe Steve would be okay with it, if it was for that reason.

The tram stopped. They were dangling in midair, swaying from side to side. Bucky looked up, seeing how high they'd gotten. He started to breathe heavily, his knees were shaking. The announcer came on, saying that they were waiting for the tram ahead of them to unload before they'd continue the rest of the way, which wasn't too far anymore. But Bucky didn't like being stranded in air like this, the only thing holding him up were some manmade cables… He tried to look back down at his feet, but now he couldn't. He just kept staring out at how high they were, but he tried to focus more on the town below versus the mountains around them.

_'Just grab his fucking hand!'_ he thought.

The tram began moving again. Bucky yelped in response. A kid looked at him quizzically. He offered back the most dangerous look he could muster right now, which sent the kid into the arms of his mother. He didn't care what happened next on that end.

Bucky tried to take a few deep breaths but nothing seemed to help calm him.

"Oh shit, Bucky!" Sam said, finally realizing that Bucky had been attempting to hold off another attack. "Find something in your head to hold onto. An image, someone you care about− something you really enjoy. Find that image and hold onto it," Sam said smoothly. Steve had mentioned this had been Sam's job. Bucky took it seriously, picturing Steve and…

He grabbed the man's hand.

Steve's fingers curled into Bucky's, squeezing them tightly. Bucky felt his heart begin to steady. He breathed a sigh of relief, leaning back.

Sam smiled softly, "Good job. You're doing great, man."

Bucky focused on the tingling sensation that was thrumming in his fingers where Steve held on tight. He focused on Steve's subtle glances at Bucky. How neither of them seemed to care they were holding hands in a crowded tram in front of people they didn't know. Best part? None of those people seemed to care either.

Bucky inhaled deeply once again, relaxing into the tram's seat finally. The tram came to a stop, but neither Bucky nor Steve pulled their hands away. People started to get up to exit to see the mountain top shops, but Sam, Steve and Bucky remained seated.

Sam crouched in front of Bucky, noticing the two were holding hands but said nothing about it. "You did great, Bucky. I'm so sorry I put you through that."

Bucky's teeth were still clenched tightly together, but he said, "Don't worry about it."

When he stood up, Steve let go. Bucky's heart shattered. He followed Sam and Steve out of the tram, his feet scrapped against the ground, scuffing up the brand new shoes. His shoulders were slumped and he felt like punching something, and then crying. But he was pissed that he felt like crying, so instead he just bit the insides of his mouth as hard as he could, drawing blood. Anything to get the focus away from the heartache he was feeling.

* * *

They'd spent a good half hour up at the shops atop the mountain. Most of them were rather tourist-traps but a few of them had some neat stuff. Sam bought a pair of moccasins and Steve checked out some of the switchblades and knives one of the stores had. Bucky hadn't looked at anything though. His eyes had seen the objects but his mind didn't register them. He was so confused. What was Steve talking about then last night in the hot tub? Was it not about how Steve felt about him? Had Bucky been wrong?

When it came time to go back on the tram, Bucky didn't get nervous. He had leaned forward, pulled his cap further down against his forehead and stared at the floor. His thoughts were too heavy to allow him to look up. They had piled out of the trams and ventured back onto the main street once more.

"Anyone hungry yet?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, I could go for some lunch," Steve said, looking around at some of the restaurants.

"What about that place?" Sam pointed at a Mexican restaurant called No Way Jose's. It was just across the creek.

"You good with that Bucky?" Steve asked.

"Sure. Don't remember the last time I ever had Mexican."

They were seated immediately. Sam ordered a margarita, Steve a water and Bucky got a Coke. He needed something to settle his stomach. "B R B, I gotta pee," Sam said as he stood up for the restrooms.

Bucky sat across from Steve. He watched how Steve fidgeted with his mouth as he read over the menu. Bucky wanted to reach out and trace Steve's lips with his finger tips. He felt his hand start to tingle even. Shaking it, he tried to focus on the menu in front of him. "Did I upset you?" Bucky asked softly.

Steve looked up, cocking an eyebrow. "What?"

"On the tram. Did I upset you?"

"No Bucky." Steve sighed, shaking his head, "What makes you think that?"

"You just…I don't know. Maybe I'm just worried about things I shouldn't be."

Steve grabbed Bucky's wrist, his ocean blues locking with Bucky's stormy blue orbs. "I'm not angry. We're on a… kind of vacation. Just try to relax. I'm with you till the end of the line, pal."

Bucky smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes. This wasn't the place nor time to bring up any of what Bucky had been feeling, nor the kid with the card and it seemed like the day wasn't even half over as there was still the aquarium and whatever else Sam felt like doing. So Bucky sat back, resigning himself from his uncertain thoughts and tried his best to do exactly what Steve had said- just tried to relax.

* * *

It was nearly midnight when they got back to Stark's cabin. They'd toured the aquarium, and then had found themselves at the distillery on the main drag. Of course, Sam was buying shots for everyone around them. He knew how to draw in a crowd. They had left with several girls giving him his phone number, a face full of lipstick kisses and of course, he seemed to have forgotten how to walk. Bucky and Steve had to haul him from the distillery to the applause of everyone remaining in the bar. Honestly though, it was a fun time. Bucky didn't say much but a few people attempted conversations with him, most of them were female. When he didn't give them what they wanted though, most trickled away.

"Bruce still awake?" Steve asked as he lugged Sam into the cabin.

"He's not down here," Bucky responded.

"Help me get Sam upstairs quietly then."

Bucky picked up Sam's legs and together, the two carried the man up the stairs and managed to throw him in bed. Steve helped take off his clothing, down to his boxers and Bucky helped pull the covers up around Sam.

"Ya'll are jus' the greatest," Sam murmured, drunkenly, as he curled in on himself and passed out.

Steve laughed quietly. "This guy…" After they closed the door to Sam's room, Steve turned to Bucky. "Wanna sit on the porch outside?"

"Sure."

The bedroom floor had another porch. It was styled with the mountain's rock and logs ran from one side to the other. The railing underneath the logs was styled to look like deer antlers. In the middle of the porch was a fire pit raised up by the same look the backsplash from the kitchen had, with the purposefully-sloppy look of laid brick that actually made perfect sense. Steve sat down next to it, flipping a switch.

"Are all fireplaces able to turn on at just the flip of a switch nowadays?" Bucky asked.

"Pretty much," Steve laughed. "I was just as hesitant about out by all this as you are. You'll get used to it. But, I do recommend you start carrying a little notepad in the event you want to look up something later. Also, a smart phone may not be a bad idea either."

"What's a smart phone?" Bucky asked.

"Don't worry about it. Stark can tell you when he gets back."

"How long are we going to be here?" Bucky asked, putting his feet up closer to the fire.

"Don't know. Till Stark gets back and we come up with some kind of plan I guess."

Bucky nodded. He looked down over the railing, the earth was too dark to see the definition of the mountains but he could see the warm glow from the town below them. "You said…I'd know it when I remembered it."

Steve remained silent.

"I don't know if I know it, but I know a lot of things and I don't know which ones you know and which ones I always kept secret."

Steve shifted his weight in his chair. "What do you think it is?"

"When I grabbed your hand…" Bucky said distantly, still staring at the glowing town below. "You didn't recoil."

"You were having a panic attack."

"Remember when I touch you, I get those feelings?"

"Yeah."

"I know what you've meant to me. I've known since I first bumped into you." Bucky couldn't go back now. He'd said too much. It was almost like a dream. It was so easy to talk about this, it almost didn't feel real.

Steve inhaled deeply, slowly letting the air escape his lungs.

"I don't know how to say this other than just saying this. I think the old me was in love with you." There. It was out. It was all out and now Bucky didn't have to endure any more turmoil. No matter what happened at this point, it was out. He'd done exactly what Banner had said to do. He'd talked to Steve. He'd told him. There was no going back. Bucky had jumped, and now it was either be caught by Steve or continue crashing till he hit the cold, hard ground.

Steve stood up, going to sit on the bricks of the fire pit. He grabbed Bucky's hand. "What do you feel?"

Bucky stared at their hands. Steve gently caressed his thumb over Bucky's hand, tracing the veins. "I…I don't know. A lot of things?"

Steve smiled. "Think on it then."

"I feel…like this is familiar."

"It's because it is, Bucky…"

Bucky's eyes snapped up, staring directly into Steve's. "Really? I thought you had no idea."

"I didn't want to overwhelm you about it. Besides, it was nothing ever really…formal anyway."

Bucky let out a gust of breath. "All this time, and you just…waited for me to figure it out?" He wanted to smack the other.

Steve shrugged. "I was scared you wouldn't feel that way again."

"I've been freaking out about this since you brought me to Stark's penthouse and _you_ were the one who was scared?" Bucky countered, his words were rough, but he meant no harm by them.

Steve shrugged again. "I guess I…didn't think you'd just all the sudden remember any of it."

"But I don't remember any of it. I just know how I felt. I didn't know how you felt, nor did I get any memories of any time we'd spent together. Just the time you saved me from Hydra the first time and when I agreed to go on that mission with you. That was it."

Steve smiled awkwardly, chuckling a bit. "Sorry?"

Bucky pulled his hand back, glaring at the other. "You're a shithead and I'm so pissed at you."

"So I guess you don't want me to help you fill in any blanks?" Steve stood up.

"The fuck you think you're doing," Bucky said as he stood up, grabbing Steve's forearm. "You're filling in the fucking blanks. I thought you had no fucking idea!"

"Well, I had no idea…about this you. I know that the past you and this you aren't exactly the same person. You are the same person, but your life experiences are different. Everything's changed for you, and I didn't want to disturb that, as I said."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "Tell me, please. When did we originally start, whatever it was that we started?"

Steve laughed, but he pulled away and went over to the railing to look down at the mountains and the town. "It wasn't so black and white. Back then…being gay was kind of…really frowned upon. You told me one night and I completely flipped out. Pre-serum me. You were gorgeous and charming and smart and for some strange reason, you decided to tell _me_, of all people, you loved me."

Bucky shook his head. Of course he was the one who said something first. He was starting to notice a trend…

"So, I didn't see you for awhile. I wasn't angry. I was just really confused."

"When was this?" Bucky asked, joining Steve against the railing. Though, he didn't face out toward the mountains. He faced the cabin. Screw the mountains…

"After high school." Steve heaved a long sigh; like he was going to get into the heavier details now. "So I finally phoned you up again, and we went to lunch and talked about it. We decided to keep it a secret. That we'd date girls and try to find each other girlfriends and maybe wives."

"Is that why when I say Peggy Carter I start getting really pissed off? I get angry when I think about her."

Steve laughed. "I think Peggy was the first woman I really could have seen myself loving. After you died…or I thought you died. I decided that, she'd be the one for me, since I couldn't have you."

"Did we ever go on dates or anything?"

"Not really. We mostly just went to each other's apartments. Occasionally get lunch. Lunch was safe, but dinner was absolutely out of the question. And dance clubs were super out."

"Jesus. No wonder I can't remember any of this, we basically hid this from me too."

Steve nodded, a small smile on his face. "Yeah, it was pretty bad back then. Then the war and we just…stopped thinking about it and focused on Hydra. Mostly we just exchanged words of how we were best friends. Kind of became our code. Saying you were my best pal meant I loved you, and saying I was with you till the end meant I still needed you."

Bucky remembered back to the aircrafts when he was beating the absolute shit out of Steve. Steve had said that then… He'd said it since.

"I'm such an idiot for not noticing…." Bucky said, sighing.

Steve nudged his shoulder into Bucky's. "Don't worry about it. We've always made things more complicated than they needed to be."

"So…What now?"

Steve nodded, realizing that was probably a great question. "What do you want?"

"Well, if we're being honest, I want to kiss you."

Steve laughed, but he turned Bucky toward him, wrapping his arms around the man's waist. "I wonder if this'll help you remember anything."

Bucky rolled his eyes, now Steve was just being a punk. He pulled Steve's face closer to his, unable to take the anticipation any longer. His nerves were almost to the point of frying out as it was. When their lips touched, Bucky felt his whole body stiffen. It wasn't because he was in pain, quite the opposite. He saw colors, images, heard whispering words in the back of his mind, saw a dying tree, a smile, and heard a string of sentences, sentences that he could have sworn he'd said in the past or heard, both spoken by him and from Steve.

_'Don't do anything stupid till I get back.'_

_'You're a punk.'_

_'I'm not gunna fight you. You're my friend.'_

_'I'm with you till the end of the line…'_

Bucky pushed Steve back, holding him against the railing as fervor engulfed his senses. His bionic arm was holding Steve against his body as Bucky forced his tongue into Steve's mouth. He moaned lightly as he felt Steve's hands tangle themselves in Bucky's hair. Bucky felt empowered. It was like a battery had long been dead and now was being recharged. His body pulsated as energy coursed through his nerves, starting at his mouth, spreading to the back of his head and shooting down to the tips of his toes. He felt weightless.

He pulled back, his lips still tingling as he looked at Steve, their noses brushing each other's as they gasped for breath.

"You never did that though," Steve whispered. "I thought you were going to push me over the railing."

Bucky stepped back, a shy smile playing at his lips. "Sorry. I just…saw so much. It was like an explosion."

"What'd you see?"

Bucky shrugged. "Small things. But I think they were important to me. Did we ever go to a tree that looked like it was… dead?"

"Yeah, it was out in the country. Your parents took us out there after my mom died."

"Did we…do anything near it?"

Steve burst out laughing. Bucky rolled his eyes. "This is serious! I don't know what the fuck we did!"

"I guess you're just going to have to figure it out yourself," Steve said as he started walking back inside. "I'm going to bed."

"Seriously? You're a punk."

Steve smiled, shrugging his shoulders. "Till the end of the line."

* * *

There! The slow burn is over! I just had to combine the two chapters because I just couldn't TOLERATE it anymore! Though rest not, my torture of Bucky...I mean my character development...isn't over yet ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry it's been a minute! I started writing another Stucky fic that's a bit darker than this one, but it's not as cooperative... lol Also I now have an AO3 account! L1av is my name over there if you feel the need to have it. I'll start posting stories over there as well. I'm actually changing a big plot piece of this story and seeing how it plays out over there. Or at least toying with the idea. Idk. We'll see. X'D

* * *

Bucky had been so caught up in Steve's revelation that he'd completely forgot to mention the card the child gave him. He continued to stare at it, flipping it over from time to time as he sat atop his bed. He'd occasionally pace the room, poke around the old book cases in the corner, check books to see if Stark had any secret hidden room anywhere (which Bucky wouldn't put it past Stark if he really did), and would occasionally nap. He never truly went to bed though. His mind was completely bifurcated.

On one hand, he knew he had to tell Steve, Sam and Banner about Hydra. They knew he was here. The biggest issue was how did they know? Banner had taken all the fail safes out with Stark. Was there something else? Did they miss something?

On the other hand, Steve and Bucky… They'd been a …thing? Sure it hadn't sounded entirely ideal, but they'd at least cared for each other once, and it seemed that Steve still cared, and Bucky obviously did as well so…that was good right? Were things going to actually…become things again? Jesus, Bucky was staring to hate the word "thing."

Someone rapped on the door, breaking Bucky's focus. He turned his head as he sat cross-legged atop the bed. "Come in," he said.

Steve came in. He wore a blue v-neck tee and jeans. It astonished Bucky how something so simple could look so sharp on a guy. "Hey, did you ever sleep?" Steve came into the room, crawling onto the bed and lying on his stomach, propping himself up a bit with his arms as he took a closer look at Bucky.

"No," Bucky admitted. "Well, maybe a little here and there."

"You okay?"

Bucky laughed sardonically. He was certainly not okay. Telling Steve the truth was supposed to solve his issues and now instead he just seemed to cut off one head and two issues grew back! "I'm fine," he lied.

Steve eyed him warily, looking him over. "You don't look fine." He reached up and smoothed out Bucky's ruffled hair. The contact settled Bucky's nerves momentarily.

Sighing, Bucky handed the card over to Steve.

"Wanna play a game?" Steve read back uncertainly. "What's this?"

"It's from Hydra. Their insignia is inlaid between the text. It's subtle, but it's there."

"Where'd you get this?"

Bucky sucked in his lips, allowing them to slide out slowly. "A boy in town. He just came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, handed me that and left."

Steve pulled in his legs as he propped himself up instead, sitting atop his legs, looking at Bucky with stern eyes. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I was too focused on…you…" Bucky admitted. "And we were in public."

Steve sighed heavily. "I've gotta call Stark." He pulled out his phone, dialing the billionaire's number. "Hey, Stark! We've got an issue." He stood up, taking his call outside Bucky's room.

Bucky stared down at the card. It was such a little, insignificant thing, but it meant so much. Hydra knew he was here, knew he was alive and worst of all…they were pissed at him…

* * *

Steve had rounded everyone up in the dining room. Bucky sat across from Sam, his arms crossed over his chest and his gaze fixed on the centerpiece of various flowers with their pinks, whites and yellows. Who kept these alive? Bucky remembered Francis the chef, but he hadn't seen any other employees of Stark's since then.

"So…Hydra knows we're here," Banner said as he rested his chin on his folded hands. "Great." He grabbed his coffee mug, eyeing it before deciding to take a sip.

"Why didn't you tell us then, Bucky? We could have gone after that kid," Sam said.

Bucky remained silent. What would happen? Would Hydra come in on airplanes and a fake SWAT team to take him away? Would they kill him? Punish him? Rape him? He used to get raped for doing things against their liking; at least by some of the Hydra heads when he first started working for them. It hadn't happened much since the 70's. By that point they were just using him as an assassin or a play doll, which ever they decided sounded good at the time.

"Stark's got Coulson, Barton and Romanoff. They're headed this way and then we leave tonight," Steve said.

"It doesn't matter where we go," Bucky finally said. He looked up at Steve through strands of hair. "I'm a walking target. No matter what. They're going to find me."

"How can you be so sure?" Steve responded.

Bucky shrugged. "Dunno. Just know they've got way more resources than they know what to do with."

"So, I suggest we start packing up then," Banner said standing up. "I'll grab the suitcases from the garage."

Sam pushed away from the table, shaking his head in disbelief. "I thought we took down this shit in DC." He ran upstairs.

"I'm sorry," Bucky whispered softly. Steve heard though. The man moved to sit next to Bucky, he intertwined his fingers with Bucky's.

"You don't have to be sorry. It's not your fault."

Bucky closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. "I should have told you sooner."

"Too late. We'll deal with it how we have to," he responded. "Besides, that kid was probably just someone off the street."

"I'm still sorry."

"Don't be. Just make it up to me." Steve gave Bucky's hand a quick squeeze before getting up from the table and heading upstairs.

Bucky looked around the kitchen, looking at the slate black vent above the oven. The dark mismatched brick backsplash. He was just starting to get used to the mountains too…

Banner came back in, struggling with a few suitcases. Bucky got up to help him carry them in.

"Thanks," Banner said.

"You think you missed a fail safe?" Bucky asked.

Banner dropped his suitcases and dusted off his jeans. "I don't know. I could look again? I swear though, me and Stark combed through that arm. You were rendered almost functionless for a second there with how deep we prodded."

Bucky sighed heavily, grabbing two suitcases and heading for the stairs. "I don't know what tipped them off then…" he mumbled, mostly to himself.

Upstairs he knocked on Steve's door before opening it a crack. Steve was folding up all his clothing on the bed. "I've brought your suitcase."

Steve motioned with his head for Bucky to bring it in. Bucky plopped it gently onto the bed. He watched Steve move about the room, unzipping the suitcase, folding his clothes, putting them neatly into the suitcase and then the process repeated with finding clothes, folding and placing them in the suitcase.

"Steve," Bucky said softly. Steve didn't stop moving though. He kept folding, kept packing. "Steve, stop for a second please!" It was impulsive. He hadn't meant to yell, but there it was.

Steve's jaw was clenched. He looked to be in no mood for games or Bucky's whining. So, Bucky wouldn't whine then. "We're going to find them? Or are we just going to run again?"

"I don't know, Bucky. Whatever Stark thinks is best." He folded another shirt and placed it into the suitcase.

"Why's Stark the leader? Cause he's the richest?"

"And the smartest, well him and Bruce. Why? What do you wanna do about Hydra?"

Bucky huffed, like the answer was completely obvious. "I wanna kill the sons of bitches."

"That doesn't sound like the best idea," Steve said carefully, like he was dancing on a tight rope.

"Why not?" Bucky crossed his arms over his chest. "Don't think I'm capable enough? I was fine on my own before."

"Yeah, and Hydra knew where you were. They sent vans after you, Bucky!"

"I can do this!" Bucky yelled. "Stop protecting me like I'm some…time bomb! I'm trained by them! I'm the best asset you have!"

Steve's brow furrowed. Bucky watched as the man's jaw clenched and unclenched. "You're not an asset. Not to us."

At first, Bucky wanted to punch Steve. He felt insulted, but then he realized Hydra had called him The Asset. Steve knew this. He was humanizing Bucky as opposed to reducing him to simple property. So instead, Bucky unfurled his feathers and calmed down. "I just wanna help. It's my fight too. You can't keep hiding me forever."

"We can't just go in blind, Buck," Steve said, finally dropping his clothes and standing before Bucky. He grabbed the man's shoulders, lightly squeezing for a moment. He tried to offer a small smile, but the light from it didn't reach his ocean eyes.

Bucky shook his head, looking away from Steve. "I was the best assassin for seventy years. I never missed my target."

Steve cocked an eyebrow, his face challenging that statement. "You sure about that? Cause I'm standing right here."He ran his hands down Bucky's arms, both metal and flesh. Bucky fought the desire to close his eyes.

"Steve…" he whispered. "I can do this. I need to."

Steve stood back, nodding in acceptance. "Okay. But we do this together, and we corporate with the team."

"So…I get to be an Avenger?" Bucky teased.

Steve threw a sock at him. "You get to carry a big gun."

* * *

Everyone had packed. They decided it was best to all stay together, just in the event Hydra moved on the cabin. Banner lounged by the fireplace, his head propped on a pillow as he read a book on the floor. Sam in the recliner, staring at the fire with a morose face. Steve and Bucky were seated on the couch, their feet at each other's thighs. No one seemed very chatty. Bucky craned his head behind him to look out the window. The sun was high in the air. Steve had said Stark wouldn't be back till nightfall. He hated all this waiting.

"Does Tony have an armory here?" he asked, shattering the silence with his smooth voice.

Steve shrugged.

"Downstairs. He's got high security around it though," Banner answered, not looking up from his book.

"Wouldn't Jarvis be okay with us though?" Bucky responded.

"Actually, sir," Jarvis said suddenly. Bucky was never going to get used to that. "I'm programmed to not trust you."

Bucky huffed. "Seriously? Here I thought Stark and I were bonding."

Banner chuckled. "Don't worry, Stark doesn't trust anyone."

"Doesn't he trust you guys?"

Banner put the book down. "Jarvis, what about me?"

"I'm sorry, sir," the AI responded.

"And what about Rogers?" Banner continued.

"Mr. Stark programmed that in the event of emergency, Captain Stephen Rogers has access to the full armory," Jarvis said.

Everyone was startled by that. Tony and Steve had a way of butting heads at the worst of times. Things had been calm recently, but there wasn't much action to be had, nor shots to be called. Things would probably start to change in that aspect soon enough.

"Well…that's news," Steve said, a crooked, ghost of a smile at his lips.

"I'd feel better if I had a gun…" Bucky murmured.

"There's no emergency," Steve said. "Why don't we go outside?"

"Sure that's a good idea?" Sam piped up. He straightened up in the recliner, his brow creased and his lips a hard line.

Steve stood up, pulling Bucky by his metal arm. "We'll just be upstairs on the porch. We'll shout if Hydra starts attacking."

Bucky followed up the stairs and out onto the porch. During the daylight, he saw truly how large the porch was. There was a staircase to the left that went down to the lower porch with the hot tub. He suddenly wished they could go for another dip, now that things were starting to be out in the open.

Steve lay on one of the tanning lounges and pat the one next to him, signaling Bucky. The sun was gently nestled behind an array of thin clouds. It cast the world in dim color, but there were still traces of shadows and light as the sun occasionally peaked through weak spots in the clouds.

They didn't speak, which made Bucky nervous. Not because he felt Steve was planning something or upset, but because Bucky wanted something…else. They weren't even touching. Bucky hated how much he craved the other's affection, and Steve had the worst way of showing it in the most subtle of touches. Hands… arms…shoulders. It was all so camaraderie-like. His skin began to tingle as he lay next to Steve, listening to birds in the fir trees. This was like being tortured…

He sat up, swinging his legs toward Steve's lounge chair. The other didn't even look. He was busy watching a bird close by, a blue bird.

Bucky's flesh hand started to tingle, his metal arm buzzed and whirled as his brain sent it mixed messages that it didn't comprehend. That got Steve's attention.

"Why's it doing that?" he asked.

Bucky looked at the arm, watching its plates rearrange itself momentarily before snapping back to their original positions. "Dunno," he lied.

Impulsively, Bucky moved so he was sitting on Steve's lounge chair. He looked down at the other, his eyes betraying probably more than he'd like. Steve sat up, softly grabbing Bucky's chin.

"Something going on?" he asked.

Bucky closed his eyes. He grabbed Steve's hand, tracing the veins, moving up the man's arm to the dip in the elbow. "I just like touching you," he said.

Steve lay back, watching Bucky's flesh hand. "Can you feel with your other hand?"

Bucky's eyes were downcast, still following the blue rivers that traversed Steve's skin. "Not really. I can feel pressure, but it's not real, it's the arm telling me there's pressure so I don't let it get crushed."

Steve ran his fingers over the metal arm. Bucky followed with his gaze. "That's so strange."

"That's what happens when you've got a mechanical arm," Bucky responded flatly. He had stopped tracing Steve's veins and simply let the arm fall into his lap.

"So….if you were to touch yourself with _that_ hand," Steve started to joke, unable to hide his grin.

Bucky playfully smacked his shoulder. "You're sick!"

Steve threw his hands up in surrender, shrugging. "I'm just honest!"

Bucky felt more at ease. It was like Steve was a cigarette and Bucky needed his nicotine fix. The longer he went without Steve's touch, the more anxious and downtrodden he'd get.

Steve's face hardened, and all traces of play and banter vanished into the air. "I just wish they'd let you go."

Bucky bunched his lips to one side, his eyebrows quickly rising in agreement, only to relax once more. "Tell me about it."

"What do you think they'd do to you?"

Bucky shifted, pushing Steve's legs over a bit so he could be more situated on the lounge chair. "Kill me or wipe me and never let me out again."

Steve grabbed Bucky's hand, holding it tightly, almost like a desperate child. "I'm not letting that happen."

Bucky smiled warily, his stormy blue eyes fixed on one of the porch's corners. "I trust you."

* * *

Stark had arrived with Coulson, Barton and Romonoff after nightfall. Everyone was gathered in the living room. Bucky had gone to lie down after he and Steve had left the porch. He was running on a very small amount of sleep since last night. He walked slowly down the stairs, hearing the voices of those gathered. Yawning, he walked up to Steve and was greeted by a hand ruffling his hair. "I don't think you should cut it. I'm starting to really like your hair," Steve said through a soft smile.

Bucky twisted one strand around his finger, looking at the brown strands. "Sergeant James Barnes, it's an honor," a man, roughly around the same age as Stark said as he came up to Bucky to shake his hand.

Bucky momentarily furrowed his brow before taking the man's hand, shaking it firmly.

"I'm Phil Coulson. I'm the director of S.H.I.E.L.D at the moment."

"Wait, I thought that got all destroyed too," Sam said, leaning against the wall by the fireplace.

Coulson nodded, "It did, but Fury asked me to bring it back. Hydra isn't stopping either, as I'm sure you've all noticed."

"Go back to the part where we saw you die?" Steve asked; his face etched with confusion.

"We'll get there. But I was dead." His mouth twitched into a smile for barely a second. "If that's any consolation."

Tony and Steve crossed their arms at the same time, shaking their heads. Bucky was rather amused by the twin-like behavior.

"So Hydra…" Bucky said, trying to bring the group back on task.

"Bucky, this is Hawkeye, or Clint, or Barton, or creepy dude who sits in the corner, which ever of those you want," Stark said, pointing to the dirty blond man with the bow on his back.

"Recurve?" Bucky asked.

Barton took the bow off his back, snapping it open. "Not your every day standard military issue though."

"Nice." Bucky was impressed. He liked bows, though he liked guns better.

"Now that everyone is the best of friends and…alive," Tony glared at Coulson. "Let's talk business."

Everyone took a seat, besides Barton, he actually opted for the corner…

Bucky sat on the floor in front of Steve's legs, using them as a back rest. Steve squeezed his shoulder. It was small, and Bucky was sure no one even realized it, but it meant everything to him, those soft moments where Steve was actually there, reaching out to him. There was no guessing anymore. They both knew. Bucky couldn't describe how much lighter he felt, even with Hydra breathing down his neck.

Coulson had what looked to be a silver coin in his hands. He opened his palm. The coin flashed a blue light that projected a holographic image, floating right above the coin.

"What the fuck?" Bucky whispered. Steve laughed.

"And to think you survived without even Google," Stark teased, winking.

Bucky rolled his eyes. "I almost said, "back in my day," but I decided that would only make this worse…" Bucky said through a smile. It earned a few quite chuckles.

"Good choice," Stark said.

Coulson cleared his throat, and the room fell silent. "Hydra…as you all know wasn't completely destroyed. You've done great, taking out the leaders and removing a few from politics, but as that saying goes…cut one head off." He pointed to a little box in the hologram that then opened a 3D model of a map. Bucky stared, slack jawed.

"Barton was on an assignment, given by Fury before he handed me the reigns, to infiltrate and provide intel on Hydra's base here. We also…apologize for not informing you all. It was a strictly need-to-know."

"My feelings are hurt," Stark said. "No, but actually really. We're not finished with that conversation. But continue."

Coulson pointed to a location on the map, it hummed red. "Known Hydra operatives are located here. Las Cruces, Arizona. The company is called Petatonix, and it's fronting as a pharmaceutical company."

"That's a really random place," Clint said. Natasha nodded in agreement from the recliner near him.

Coulson shrugged. "New Mexico was also where we found Thor originally. Random places often have very specific items of note." He used two fingers, enlarging the map's image of a building, it was tall and in the heart of the city. "We've stationed a few S.H.I.E.L.D operatives in the adjacent buildings, working in various positions so they don't draw attention. So far though, we've heard no mention of Barnes, The Winter Soldier or The Asset." He closed out the map, straightening up. "But that doesn't mean there isn't another Hydra base chomping at the bit to bring their Asset back."

The way Coulson spoke… It almost upset Bucky. His back went rigid as the man continued to refer to him as something less of a man and more of an object. Steve seemed to feel the sudden change as he placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "So what's the point of _that_ base then," Bucky said through a clenched jaw. "Why do we care?"

"Well other than the fact that it's a highly functioning Hydra base, it's also where we think the locations of several other Hydra bases can be found. Not to mention some higher ups are present that Captain America and my team were unable to bring down." He threw the silver coin over to Clint. "Barton."

The man with the bow casually walked into the front of the fireplace. He activated the silver coin. "I scouted out a few possible areas of infiltration." He zoomed in onto the building, clicking something that triggered an orange path. "Guard rotation is every six hours. A small subterfuge team can sneak past changing guards and into the air ducts on the roof level. Another possible route is through the basement of the adjoining building across the street. Sewage lines connect the two, we can go through the sewage passages and up into the Hydra base. Lastly, front door, for those that don't care."

"That was for me, wasn't it?" Tony said, placing a hand over his heart. "You're so sweet."

Clint winked in response. "The perimeter is heavily guarded by incognito guards at night. S.H.I.E.L.D reports detail at least twenty men and women stationed around the area with four guards stationed around the other surrounding buildings. They change identities each night, so S.H.I.E.L.D hasn't been able to get dossiers." He zoomed out, showing the layout of the block and had small dots of red to indicate where presumed Hydra agents would be. "So, door number one, two, or three?"

"I think stealth works best for this. We don't want them hastening their missions to get Bucky," Steve said.

"They gave him a card that said, "Wanna play a game." They know we're coming already," Tony countered.

Banner raised his hand as he sat on one of the couch's arms. "What about waiting?"Everyone's eyes turned to view him. "If Hydra wants to play a game, they have to give Bucky the rules."

"Or it was just a card meant to scare him and they're just coming after him," Steve defended. "A game of cat and mouse."

"But," Banner continued. "They could have just taken him there. They want to toy with him. I don't think they're going to rush at him."

"I saw we ham the front door and find what we need that way," Tony said.

"Subterfuge could yield more rewards. We may even hear someone say something," Natasha chimed.

They continued arguing. Bucky watched their lips moving, their brows jerking up and down as their faces became more animated. He heard sounds, but didn't register words. He just knew they were fighting about him. He sat there, trying to breathe evenly, but with each passing moment, each additional argument or counter-argument he grew angrier. He stood up, no one even seemed to notice. "What about what I think?"

No one heard him over the bantering.

"What about what I think?!" he yelled, silencing the room. "I'm the one they're going after. Don't I have a fucking say?" he spat.

Coulson straightened his tie. Tony motioned with his hand that Bucky had the floor.

"I'm going in that building. You're going to get your information, and then I'm going to blow it up, killing anyone that gets in my way." Steve clearly wasn't okay with the plan Bucky decided upon. He looked like he was going to say something, but Bucky didn't let him speak as he said, "This is personal. This is my problem. None of you have to be part of it if you don't want. But I'm going through those doors, and I'm killing them all."

"How can you be sure you'll kill them all?" Clint asked, standing up straight.

"We'll lock them in," Natasha answered. "We did something similar on a KGB mission."

Steve shook his head, but he remained silent. Bucky winced. He knew Steve didn't like to fight like this, but Bucky was threatened. Hydra was out there and he wasn't going to sit idly by. He'd kill them all before they got to him alive. Or he'd die trying. He wasn't going willingly.

"Coulson?" Steve said, shooting a pleading look up at the man. "What do you think?"

Coulson sighed heavily as he mulled over the plan Bucky had suggested. "Barnes isn't S.H.I.E.L.D. He can do what he wants."

"And are we S.H.I.E.L.D?" Banner asked.

"If you want to be. I could use a few more agents, that's for sure."

"We get paid for this gig?" Sam asked, smiling.

Coulson laughed. "Please. I don't even get paid."

"Shitty, man," Sam said, crossing his arms.

"So, if we're S.H.I.E.L.D," Banner said, standing. "Why are we following someone who isn't?"

"I didn't say you were following Barnes," Coulson said. Bucky's gaze snapped over to the man, his top lip furling. "Captain Rogers will be your commanding officer for the mission."

"Really? We're playing favorites?" Stark protested.

"I'm sending you all into the jaws of Hydra with The Winter Soldier. The only one of you I know that can contain The Asset is Captain Rogers. I'm just playing by the books." He shrugged, like it wasn't a big deal. Bucky had forgotten how much he hated being called an "Asset."

"He's just Bucky," Steve said suddenly. He had his hands folded in front of his face; his body forward, leaning on his knees. "He's just Bucky Barnes. Stark can lead this. I'm not killing innocents."

"They're Hydra, Steve," Bucky countered firmly. "No one's innocent in Hydra."

"The little guys are. The ones who work at the bottom. Who don't really know the kind of people up at the top. It's a pharmaceutical company!"

"It's Hydra…Steve," Stark said softly.

Steve crossed his arms, leaning back. "I'm not going. I won't."

"Fine," Coulson said, looking over to Stark. "You'll be the commanding officer of the mission then, Tony."

"Great. How many am I bringing? We going through the front door?"

"If we're going to seal the exists, the front door probably isn't the best way in," Natasha said. "I'd like to go. Clint should come too. We've got a little expertise in this field."

Clint rolled his shoulders.

"Good. We'll devise a plan on the jet. Right now, we should start making our way," Coulson said.

Bucky hadn't expected such protest from Steve. He of all people should understand what Bucky had experienced. He'd seen it firsthand! He sighed heavily, watching everyone filter from the room, heading toward the garage to go down the trail to Stark's secret runway. Steve had gone upstairs to grab his suitcase. Bucky wanted to follow but for the first time since meeting Steve again, he didn't want to hear Steve's voice or look at those eyes. Steve was angry, Bucky knew it.

"You coming?" Stark said as he swung a backpack over his shoulder and picked up a briefcase.

"He's really pissed isn't he?" Bucky said, staring at the staircase.

Stark placed a consoling hand on Bucky's left shoulder. "He's just used to doing things a certain way. It's hard to break morality sometimes."

"Are you…consoling me, Stark?" Bucky asked through a smile, his brows high.

"Shit. I guess I am," Tony said in mock-astonishment. "Come on. Steve'll be right behind us."


	10. Chapter 10

Another update! Yay. This is NOT edited, so expect typos! I've finally hammered out how this story is going to end. We're not there yet. But...for the longest time I had no idea where I was going with this. Now I do! Yay!

* * *

On the jet, Steve sat as far from Bucky as possible. He was in a corner with Sam, Natasha and Clint. They spoke quietly. Bucky couldn't tell if they were arguing or if they were discussing politics. Bucky crossed his arms. He felt numb. Knowing Steve was upset hurt more than not knowing if Steve had feelings for him. It was like someone taking a voodoo doll and pulling out all the stuffing. Bucky felt his insides being pulled every which way by his anxiety as he kept stealing looks of the blonde.

"Seems like you're already having your first fight," Banner said, sitting by Bucky. "Well, at least the first one you remember."

"Do you understand why I'm doing this?"

"You're angry. Believe me, I understand being angry." Banner's face was calm, but Bucky could see the subtle twitch in the lips, and the indent left from creasing the brow too many times. Banner did know anger.

Bucky sat back, chewing his fingernails. He kept glancing over at Steve, making sure the other didn't look like he was enjoying himself. From the looks of things, Steve was certainly arguing. His face was tight with a clenched jaw and slit eyes. He was probably still arguing about the plan. From Natasha's exasperated expression, Bucky was pretty sure he was right.

"Have you really talked to him about what Hydra did to you?" Banner asked.

It caught Bucky off guard. He blinked in surprise a few times; his lips parting. "N-no." He didn't like to think about Hydra any more than he had to; The torture, brainwashing, experiments, prepping…the ice. None of it brought forth happy memories. He had become a shell, simply just a machine that was used when necessary. He had no rights, no voice, and no ability to protest. He hadn't been seen as human; just property.

Banner sighed, sitting back as his pressed his fingertips together in front of his lips. "Maybe you should. I know…" he said through a heavy sigh. "I know it's not going to be easy, but maybe he'd understand if you just shared that part of your life."

"That wasn't living," Bucky hissed softly, his gaze darting to Steve to make sure he wasn't aware of what he and Banner were talking about.

"I'm aware. I happen to know what it's like to wake up and look at the deaths and carnage around you."

Bucky wanted to shout. He wanted to stand up and punch Banner. How dare he compare his Hulk side to what Bucky had endured? Truthfully, Bucky didn't really know much about the Hulk, but he was pretty sure Banner hadn't been tortured and forced to endure the transformation. In fact, he was pretty sure someone mentioned Banner had done it to himself willingly. Despite the rage that ravaged beneath he skin, Bucky simply stared at Banner; dead eyes locked with curious ones. "Steve doesn't need to know."

Banner shrugged, seeming to back off the subject. "Fine. But don't expect him to be okay with killing innocent people."

"They're not innocent," Bucky growled.

"So those little guys, pushing pens and flipping papers for the medical side, you think they had a say in your treatment? Your experiments? Your missions?"

Bucky didn't answer. He felt his metal arm begin to shift and whiz to life as he fought the urge to use it against Banner. He closed his eyes, feeling his breathing deepen. "Stop it."

"Just saying," Banner continued. "Do the children in Germany have to be punished for the Nazis?"

Bucky clenched his jaw. "Stop it," he growled.

Banner leaned forward. "Answer the question, Bucky."

"Banner!" Tony shouted. Everyone in the cabin had their eyes fixed on Bucky and Banner. "Are you trying to let loose the other guy?"

Banner sat back, shrugging nonchalantly. "I wasn't angry…"

Bucky saw the horror in Steve's eyes as he scanned the room. He knit his brow together, confused as to why they all were looking at him like a tiger that was just released from its cage when he realized… He was holding the armrests in his hands. He'd ripped them off. He dropped them, his face blanking. It was the easiest thing to do instead of taking accountability. He'd gotten angry; murderously angry. He didn't apologize and he didn't say a word, he simply let his steel blue eyes fix on Steve's for a moment, before looking straight at his toes.

* * *

Bucky still hadn't spoken to Steve, even after they landed. Coulson had pulled everyone around a table that showed a digital, hovering map of the building they were going to seal and bomb. Steve stood off to the corner; his arms were crossed and he was staring at the floor.

Bucky wanted to talk to him… He wanted to explain why he felt the need to kill each and every person that had some association to Hydra. They all terrified him… Leaders started small, they started as nobodies and grew to be somebodies. Bucky couldn't take that risk. He had to cull them all before someone else rose to power and attempted to find him again. He couldn't withstand the idea of being forced back, of being erased and reprogrammed. It made his veins run cold.

"Stark," Coulson began. "You take Barnes into the sewers, going up into the building from the basement. Barton and Romanoff will take the rooftops. Sam, you stay outside planting these along the walls." He handed Sam a bag of what looked like nickels. "Throw those at the walls to prevent anyone from jumping the windows to escape. They'll active a barrier to prevent escape."

Sam nodded, holding the bag gingerly.

"Once in, Barton and Romanoff will seal the fire escapes, drop explosives on every other floor and make their way down. Grab any data you can. You have permission to use deadly force."

Natasha and Clint nodded.

"Barnes and Stark will seal the basement first, drop the explosives, grab whatever data they can and meet Barton and Romanoff on the main floor to which then you'll use that front door you love so much, Tony," Coulson teased.

"Oh you're so kind," Tony teased, swatting the air.

"Seal the door from the outside using this." Coulson handed Tony what looked to be a regular pen.

Bucky furrowed his brow. "And that is…?"

"It's a force field, simply put, a magnetic shield that'll repel anyone from getting too close. It'll blast those within the building back into the fires. No one can get through it."

"Sounds fancy," Stark said. "If I recall…I made the prototype…" Tony's eyes were shimmering in approval.

"S.H.I.E.L.D did a bit of upgrading to it," Coulson stated. "Expect heavy resistance. Keep close to your partner and keep your coms turned on. I'll monitor from here. If things get too heated, I'll send Sam above to provide exterior cover fire. His bullets can bypass the barriers, but Hydra's can't. I've also got some S.H.I.E.L.D agents ready to provide exterior cover fire for Sam as he puts down the barriers."

Sam nodded grimly, shooting a pleading look at Steve. Bucky saw Steve shrug, like he was permitting it. Why didn't he understand? This was Hydra! It wasn't just some regular pharmaceutical company! They all could be Hydra agents as far as Bucky was concerned.

"If the front doors don't work, seal them off and contact Sam. He can disable one of the barriers for you all to get out and activate it once more with this switch." Coulson handed Sam another small item, it looked like a small walkie-talkie. "You'll be able to grid all the barriers from there on its map interface. It's touch screen."

Sam nodded, inspecting the gadget.

"It's broad daylight folks. Expect a lot of guns and a lot of bodies," Coulson stated. "Gear up."

* * *

Bucky felt at ease with a gun in his hands, several tucked away on his person, a knife hidden under practically each fold and his Kevlar gear. He looked into the mirror, staring at his reflection. This was the Winter Soldier. He cocked his head to the side slowly, watching his gaze dull into a dead stare. He felt blank. He had a mission and he was going to complete it. Just like any other day he'd lived for the past seventy years. A day in the life…

His face contorted to surprise when he saw Steve come to stand behind him. He spun; his lips parting as he waited for Steve to say something. He felt smaller.

Steve pursed his lips, nodding softly. "Be safe, okay?" He started to walk away.

"That's it?" Bucky called. He watched Steve's back stiffen. "You should be going in there with me."

Steve turned around; his face had a light dash of red to it. "Why? So I can get my hands stained like yours?"

Bucky recoiled.

"Oh Bucky…Bucky no…that's−"

"That's exactly what it is," Bucky said, taking a few steps back as he clutched himself with his arms. "I'm a ruthless killer and you're the shining beacon of hope."

"Buck..."

"It is what it is, Steve. I fell. You couldn't save me. This is what I became. You can accept it or not. That's your choice. But my choice is this. I'm ridding the world of Hydra."

"I want to rid the world of Hydra too, Bucky," Steve said, his voice gentler. He stepped forward, hesitantly, like he was trying to coax a deer. "I just don't think this is the right way. We need more information."

"Why?" Bucky spat. "That's the Hydra base, this is our attack. It's simple!"

"It's not simple, Bucky! We don't even know who the agents are and who aren't! We don't even know anyone's names! Coulson said there had been no mention of you!"

"So what? Barton confirmed it's Hydra!"

Steve's shoulders sank. He inhaled deeply through his nose. "Okay. Fine. Go. Go blow them all up. I get it. I really do. You need this. I just… I don't."

Bucky stepped forward, looking up into Steve's eyes. "You don't? Were we not lovers? Friends? You crashed your damn plane, trying to kill yourself after I died. Did that not mean anything? Did I not mean anything?"

Steve's eyes filled with anguish. "I…" his voice croaked. He pressed his face against Bucky's, wrapping his hand around the back of Bucky's skull, lacing his fingers into his hair. "I was lost without you. I've got you now. I want Hydra gone and off you forever, but I want you to…" He faltered; closing his mouth like the words weren't what he was searching for. "I want you to move on."

Bucky closed his eyes, feeling the tingling sensation in the back of his skill where Steve's hand was. "This is how I move on."

"You've got so much blood on your hands already. I don't want you to get anymore on them."

So that's what this was. Steve wanted Bucky to stop? To relinquish his status as an assassin, as a soldier, someone who fought and just…let go? Why? Hydra was out there! They were threatening him and breathing down his neck! How could he just sit there placated and wait for Hydra to show up on his front door? "I'm a soldier, Steve."

Steve pulled away. "I know. But that war is over, Bucky. Let someone else fight for you."

"And that someone be you?" Bucky crossed his arms.

"I'll do this. I'll do all of it. Just let me do it the right way."

"There is no right way. There's just getting the job done and getting results," Bucky countered.

"That Hydra speaking? Or Bucky?"

Bucky's shoulders slumped. He bit the corner of his lip, feeling the soft skin drag along his teeth as he released. "Hydra…is part of me. I'm never gunna be the man you knew. Not really. I'll remember pieces and I'll probably be able to tell you what I got you for Christmas, but I'll never be that man again. I'll be Bucky Barnes, Hydra survivor. Not Bucky Barnes, Howling Commando."

Steve nodded, cocking his head slightly to the side. "I know. I'm willing to work with this Bucky. But this one can't forget the morals he once had."

Bucky groaned. "Fine. I won't shoot unless they shoot me first. If they put their hands up, I'll just leave them alone."

"What about the bombs?" Steve asked.

Bucky felt like a child being asked to tell his teacher what he'd done wrong. "I'll… I'll tell them not to do it."

"Then I'll come with you," Steve said, placing his hands over Bucky's shoulders. "I'll help you kill the people responsible. But no one else."

"We're never going to escape Hydra then…" Bucky said softly.

"I know. But it's the right thing to do."

"Fuck you and your morals," Bucky laughed, but he instantly shut up when Steve placed a soft, warm kiss against his cheek. Steve squeezed his shoulders, before moving away. Bucky stood there, his mild whirling around what just happened. Steve…talked him out of what he thought was right. He made things a hell of a lot harder and this was probably going to piss Stark off but… Bucky didn't care. Bucky had Steve, and Steve was going to protect him.

* * *

"So new plan," Steve said as he walked into the cabin, with Bucky on his tail. "No bombs."

"Excuse me?" Tony asked, brow furrowed and lips ajar. "Who put you in charge?"

"I did," Bucky said, leaning against the doorframe. "No bombs."

Tony rubbed at his temples. "Jesus, Barnes are you serious? This is Hydra!"

"Steve's right though. Not all of them are probably Hydra. I can't risk innocent lives. I've got enough blood on my hands."

Natasha nodded, standing to her full height in her tack gear. "So then Cap, what's the plan?"

"I'll go with Bucky through the sewers. We'll sneak in as best we can, try to find anything suspicious. You and Barton will do the same on the top floors. Tony…you'll walk through the front door making as big a scene as you possibly can."

Tony's brows shot up. "Come again?"

"Stark Industries is really interested in this drug Petatonix is selling. Wants to do a business deal. You're good at coming up with stuff right?" Steve asked.

"Well, yeah…but…"

"Great, Sam'll be your attorney."

"I will?" Sam asked, incredulously.

"You will," Steve answered, an optimistic glint in his eye.

"Natasha, you and Clint will check for any hidden doors or try to get into any higher up's office. Grab data."

Natasha nodded.

"I'll tell the S.H.I.E.L.D agents stationed to aid Stark. I'll send in Bobbi as your driver."

"Whose Bobbi?" Tony asked.

"Oh don't worry," Coulson said. "You'll like her."

Tony smiled his fox-like grin.

"Main objective is to gather any data on Hydra. Kill only Hydra agents," Steve said.

"I've got some nonlethal icers that you can use," Coulson said, holding up a gun as an example. "Can kill or stun."

"Thanks, Coulson," Steve said as he took one.

"No problem Captain. Glad to have you aboard."

* * *

The sewers were tight, but Bucky and Steve managed to walk through silently and up into the basement of Petatonix. They met no resistance once inside. Bucky scanned the basement with his eyes, taking in the elevator and the stairs. Boxes upon boxes were lined along the walls. Bucky opened one, taking a peak inside. "Medicine samples?" he questioned.

"It's a pharmaceutical company, Bucky," Steve stated.

"But…it's Hydra."

"Keep looking. There may be something," Steve said as he looked in a few other boxes. They only found more samples, some paperwork on old trials of drugs that eventually came to make up the ones the company was selling.

_Rogers, you good?_ a voice said over the coms. It was Natasha.

"Yeah. Nothing down here yet."

_Same up here. We've had to ice a few employees. They seemed more afraid than concerned._

"Keep looking. Do you know how Tony's doing?"

_Heard nothing yet. Though I did see a few people running to the elevator about Iron Man being around. They sounded excited._

Bucky furrowed his brow as he listened to the com chatter. He moved a few boxes, checking the walls for drafts or hollow sounds; nothing. People excited about Iron Man, boxes and boxes of samples… Where were they hiding?

"Up a floor?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah. You didn't find anything?"

"Nope."

Steve nodded, going to the elevator, before hesitating and opting for the stairs. Bucky watched the interaction silently, but said nothing. He followed Steve's broad shoulders up one floor. They opened the door quietly, both taking a peak down each side of the hall. They could hear chatter and the sounds of photography.

"Ladies, ladies! One at a time!" Tony said over the cries and giggles of people around him. Bucky stared wide-eyed and slack jawed at what he saw as he poked his head around a corner. Stark was in the middle, taking pictures with people, signing autographs. It was absurd. Worst of all, his face was absolutely loving it. Bucky's eyes narrowed. This was a Hydra base! Stark wasn't supposed to look so happy at a Hydra base!

"Mr. Stark!" a man in a sharp suit said with his hand outstretched. "What an honor!"

"Come on…we gotta move," Steve said, tugging at Bucky's Kevlar lightly. Bucky followed, keeping to the corners and the walls as they moved. The first floor was entirely distracted by Stark. Steve checked the walls, much like Bucky had in the basement. "There's nothing here," he said.

Bucky felt his heart racing. Something wasn't right.

_Rogers! We found something! _Natasha's voice said over the coms. Bucky honed in, listening as he moved quickly for the stairway. He and Steve climbed the stairs fast, skipping two or three stairs at a time. _It's shit…Rogers we're getting gunned down! Seventh floor!_

"We're on our way, Natasha! Just take cover!" Steve said as he used his shield to slam down the door. Bucky saw men in regular suits with guns, and now they were pointing at him and Steve. He took out his gun, shooting each man, methodically, calmly. Each went down with a bullet between their eyes.

"Nice shot, Barnes," Natasha said as she came out from cover, Barton to her side. "We found that hidden door."

The four of them walked into the door. It had been hidden behind a bookshelf in one of the mid-exec's offices. Bucky was surprised, but being a big shot executive would be too obvious. They walked into another section of the building. No one was around.

"This is…different," Clint said. "How's Stark doing?"

"He's having the time of his life," Steve responded. He put his finger up to his ear, activating his com. "Sam, we've got a hidden room up on the seventh floor. Hydra is definitely here."

Bucky didn't expect Sam to respond. He was supposed to be Stark's attorney after all. They continued down the hallways, looking into the small rooms that lined the place. Some where small labs, others had… Bucky froze.

"Bucky?" Steve said, turning around to look back at the stiffened man. "Bucky what's wrong?"

"T-the chairs…" Bucky said, feeling his heart begin to climb up his throat. "I can't be here."

"Bucky, it's okay. We're all with you," Steve said, taking a step forward, but Bucky took two steps back.

"I can't be here! I can't be here! I can't be here, Steve!" He was starting to shout. His eyes had gone wide and all color drained from his face. He wheezed with each breath, feeling like it was going to be his last. Finally, he hit the wall, jumping, he turned and shot at it twice.

"Bucky…" Steve said softly, stepping forward, his arms up in surrender. "Bucky it's just us. That's just a wall. You're fine."

"I gotta get out. I gotta get out," Bucky mumbled, crumpling to the floor.

"You guys go ahead. I'm going to stay with him," Steve said over his shoulder at Natasha and Clint.

They nodded tightly, before turning and examining the various rooms.

Steve sat down next to Bucky. Their shoulders were touching. "You know…when they first thawed me out. They put me in a fake hospital room. Baseball game playing on the radio. I knew it was fake the moment I heard the game. I'd been there. I'd never felt so panicked."

Bucky didn't understand where Steve was going with this, but he kept listening. He'd listen to anything if it kept him from having a complete breakdown.

"I ran out, punching anyone that got in my way. I was barefoot and terrified. I ran out into the street, seeing…lights everywhere, signs for things I'd never heard of. Hearing cars I'd never seen. I was so confused. It wasn't just that though. I knew. I knew even before anyone told me… I was alone. I was completely alone in a world I had no idea of. This man was standing there telling me I'd been asleep for a long time and… everyone I knew was either dead or dying. I had nothing. So. I know what it's like to feel alone. I know what it's like to wake up in a place that…you don't recognize." He wrapped an arm around Bucky. "But you're not alone. You're never going to be alone again. I'm always going to be right here. You're never going to wake up in an unfamiliar place, ever again."

Bucky looked up at Steve's warm face. He shakily reached up, tracing the outline of Steve's cheekbones. Sighing, he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean…"

"You're okay Bucky. This is hard for you. So let's take it easy." He stood up, offering his hand down to Bucky.

Bucky stared at those fingers, weighing the consequences before grasping Steve's hand firmly. If he was going to do this, he was going to do this with Steve by his side. He'd be fine. Steve was there. Steve wouldn't let him fall ever again.

Standing, he brushed himself off and made it a point not to look into the rooms with the chairs. They walked into a corner room, joining Natasha and Clint. "So," Natasha began. "The word on the street here is compliance. They brainwash ex S.H.I.E.L.D agents or people of interest and force them to do their bidding. Not exactly what happened to Bucky, but pretty close."

Bucky felt a small trickle of relief enter his veins. These people were brainwashed, and he was deeply sorry for them, but at least they didn't suffer the way he had… and he wouldn't suffer it again, even if they threw him into these chairs.

Steve analyzed one of the computers, moving the mouse and seeing it spring from sleep and back to life. "Natasha, can you get anything from this?"

She moved over, getting in front of Steve. Bucky watched her fingers. They were like little excited mice, darting all over the keyboard. He was transfixed on how fast she was. "Got it. Names of the big guys, some other bases and…" her voice halted. She looked over to Bucky, her gaze strained.

"What is it, Natasha?" Clint asked, leaning over to see.

"Correspondence about The Asset," she said.

"What's it say?" Steve asked, desperation leaking into his voice.

"It's…"

Before she could answer, a metal shield came over the door, locking into place and sealing the room. Bucky's eyes went wide. He ran to the door, shooting and slamming with all his might. Gas started to fill the room.

"This was a trap," Natasha said. "Everything was staged… They were all…" Her voice started to get quieter. "We shoulda bombed…they were all…"

Bucky watched as Natasha fell from her seat, rolling onto the floor. Clint followed shortly behind.

"Bucky…" Steve said, his eyes anxious and terrified. "This is my fault…"

Bucky held his breath, fighting the gas that was pumped into the room. He grabbed Steve's shield, throwing it up at the ceiling. He threw it again, and again. He was sure his face was turning purple. He saw Steve slid to the floor; those blue eyes were fluttering as they fought to stay awake. He threw the shield one more time, watching as the ceiling finally broke. He jumped onto a table, before jumping up into the vents. The gas was still up here. Cursing, he exhaled and took into another, short breath. He bashed the vent open with Steve's shield and crawled into the structure of the building. The gas was finally subsiding here. He turned around, looking down. All three of them were passed out. He took a deep breath and jumped down, picking Steve up over his shoulder, wincing at the dead weight. He pushed the man up into the vent, then pulled himself up. He pulled Steve into the structure. "Come on, Steve," Bucky said as he slapped the man's face a few times. "Jesus, fucking wake up!" When Steve didn't, he whined, feeling like a cornered dog. He could leave. He could escape and run…but then Steve would be left behind. He couldn't risk it. Natasha and Clint were still on the floor. Bucky already had to cut his losses with them.

_Stark and Wilson are going into a conference room with one of the execs_, a female voice said over the coms.

_Good to hear your voice Bobbi,_ Coulson said. _Status report, Rogers?_

"We got gassed. Steve, Natasha and Clint are out. I'm up in the beaming. I've got Steve but…I can't get them all out," Bucky said. His heart was beating too fast. He felt like it was going to explode.

_Pull them up. Wilson, if you can hear this cough,_ Coulson said.

A cough came over the coms. Bucky felt relief wash over him.

_Excuse yourself to the bathroom, suit up and get them out of there,_ Coulson said sternly.

_What about me?_ Bobbi asked.

_Stay near Stark. Make sure Sam gets out of the conference room_.

Bucky took another breath, jumping down and lifting Natasha. He was thankful for her lithe frame. He was able to easily hoist her up into the beaming. The gas was finally starting to subside in the room. That wasn't a good sign though… The sooner the gas was out, the sooner someone would be coming. He pushed Steve and Natasha back further, before going back down and grabbing Clint.

_Falcon deployed,_ Sam said over the com. _Trying to get a location but the signal is all jammed! Seventh floor yeah?_

"Yes," Bucky hissed as he pushed Clint back into the beaming, watching his head fall heavily atop Natasha's behind. He couldn't help but snicker. It was then he heard talking. He froze, listening to the sounds as someone got closer and closer. He heard the door open…

"Get up there!" someone barked. Bucky couldn't risk it. If they climbed up, they'd get all of them. Swallowing hard, Bucky grabbed a grenade and threw it down. It went off quickly.

He heard more shouting. He grabbed his gun, shooting at whoever came into the room. He watched the bodies pile up. Then someone threw something at him. It froze his body, and he fell. He looked around hastily, seeing two remaining men. Two? Two men?!

_Bucky! Bucky where are you? I can't find you! Are there windows? _Falcon said over the coms. Bucky couldn't answer. He watched as the two men picked his frozen body up. They didn't even look back at the hole. He prayed they wouldn't. If Steve could get out… That's all he wanted. He wanted Steve to get out.

"The Asset has been acquired," one of the men said into a com on his jacket. "You're pretty stupid, aren't you?" He pressed his boot against Bucky's face. "Ready for our game?"

Bucky should have blown this place up… He felt foolish, but Steve's words had been so inspiring and he so desperately wanted to believe them. Why'd he come in here? Why'd he think he stood a chance? He should have come in, gun in hand, grenades flying and shouldn't have stopped till everyone was dead. He shouldn't have listened to Steve. Steve had been wrong. Steve had been so wrong.

And now Bucky was going to wake up in an unfamiliar place, wearing an unfamiliar face, looking at unfamiliar people.

* * *

I did that. I'm a terrible person.


End file.
